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Your heroine should be tough, sweet, sensitive, and very horny, and has to think she's not attractive even though every guy in
book except her husband falls off his chair with a tent in his pants.
Don't let length of a novel faze you. Just throw some people on stage, move them around a bit, and get them into bed. Then, change rules so they have to move around a bit again and get them back into bed. (It doesn't always have to be a bed. Office desks and car seats work too.) When book's long enough, stop. Don't worry about "climax," because people are climaxing all over place.
Exotic locales. Foreign countries with beaches. Lots of rich people. Remember that you're writing for lowest common denominator, because they spend most of money that you're trying to reel in. Make it sleazy. No one ever went broke underestimating public.
How to publish? To do it right, write sales pitch before you write book. Make sure book follows pitch and formula. If your cover letter alone has eight typos, no problem. Nobody cares. The publisher will wanna rush this baby to print and get you, or an attractive stand-in, doing as many TV appearances as possible before book reviewers have time to draw breath. Heck, your target market doesn't read book reviews anyway! Also keep in mind that once that reader buys your book, you've won. They won't get a refund just because you're illiterate. So don't worry about hiring an editor. Hire a publicist!
Think Hollywood. You want your book to become a movie. It doesn't have to be a good movie, because most of them aren't. It just has to sell, baby, sell! Write parts for all hottest stars. True, today's hottest stars will have faded by time they start filming your movie, but no matter. Someone just like them will replace them.
I've been doing it wrong for all these years. I started writing over 20 years ago, and five books I have on shelves are enough to make it a hobby that barely pays for itself. Meanwhile, I work at a job for my money. But if you follow my advice, you won't make same mistakes I have. You'll get rich!
Michael LaRocca's website at http://freereads.topcities.com was chosen by WRITER'S DIGEST as one of The 101 Best Websites For Writers in 2001 and 2002. He published two novels in 2002 and has two more scheduled for publication in 2004. He also works as an editor for an e-publisher. He teaches English at a university in Shaoxing, Zhejiang Province, China, and publishes the free weekly newsletter Mad About Books.
