“Are you saying it’s okay for him to lie to me?”

“No, I’m not saying it’s okay or not okay. I’m not making a value judgment about it. You asked why he’s lying and I’m telling you why. Lying is just another form of protection against pain, just as your anger is a form of protection against pain.”

“So what do I do? How do I deal with this?”

“Amanda, you need to shift your intention from trying to control him to being open to learning about what is behind his behavior. From his point of view, there are some important reasons why he is using porno, and why he is lying about it. Trying to control him will only result in more lying and resistance, but wanting to learn can result in understanding and resolution. You need to approach him with caring and a desire to learn rather than with anger and judgment – about both porno and lying. You would need to say something like, ‘Ron, I know that you have been going to porno sites on Internet. Please don’t lie about it anymore. I know there must be some good reasons you are doing this and I really want to understand what it’s about for you.’ However, you have to be aware that words themselves are less important than intent behind them. If you say these same words with anger and judgment, he will be defensive. Don’t ask until you feel genuinely open and caring.”

Lying is always a form of control. Some people are pathological liars, having learned that they get a rush from manipulating others with lies. But most people lie when they are afraid of consequences of telling truth. Lying may be one end of a relationship system, with anger and judgment on other end. Whether relationship is a primary one between mates or between parents and children, or a relationship between friends or between co-workers, lying may be a part of it when fear of anger and judgment is an issue. Most people do not know how to handle another’s anger and judgment and may revert to being child they were when they learned to lie to their parents to avoid punishment.

If you want to trust that people are not going to lie to you, then you need to shift your intention in your relationships from controlling to learning.

What really matters is how child perceives and interprets situation. How parents perceive situation is of little consequence even if parents feel that their intentions are best in world. By establishing an emotional bond parents can ensure that child gets correct message. This helps child in developing emotional maturity, attaining emotional self-dependence and imparts confidence in dealing with people.

The child may not visibly seek attention from parents all time. But whenever child approaches parents or other elders, child deserves to be given proper attention. If for any reason parents cannot immediately give time, this can be explained to child honestly. Remember to be truthful to your children - they can detect when people are not honest with them and then start feeling unwanted.

Here in this article I have narrated how I helped Shruti with her assignments. But whenever she approached me for anything, I always tried to give her my fullest attention. I believe this approach helps child to develop skill to reach out to people and get favorable response from them. This is an important element in development of interpersonal skill.

Early formative years decide a person's attitude later in life. Emotional growth of a child is as important as physical and mental growth. This is what forms basic character of a person. Parents need to ensure that child's own self-image is properly created by proper emotional inputs.

To sum up, most precious gift which can be given to child is sense of self-esteem, self-respect. This is a quality or attitude which prepares child to face world with confidence. To help children attain this quality role of parents can be vital. They need to demonstrate truthfully how much they care for child's feelings.

Sanjay Johari regularly contributes articles to several ezines, mostly on small business. He invites you to most trusted business opportunity, one of the best training programs and personal mentoring. Find out for your self: