When we feel angry, we know something is not right. We become acutely aware that some of our needs are not being met. Anger is most often associated with safety violations. If we feel angry because our validation needs are not being met, it's usually an indication that we have an attachment to meeting our validation needs-a sign that one of main ways that we feel safe is to feel validated. When we feel angry in our relationships, we usually respond in one of two ways. The first response is to express our anger, most often by lashing out in some way. We've already seen how this is always a lose-lose proposition.

The second response is to repress our anger in order to avoid a full-out confrontation. (Notice how this response also assumes that only other way to deal with anger is to express it by attacking!) When we repress our anger, we attempt to restore balance in our safety accounts by isolating ourselves and disengaging from relationship. Eventually, we will no longer be able to repress our anger, and it will manifest in a confrontation of unexpected and inappropriate intensity.

Neither response meets our relationship needs, of course.

When we cultivate a more skillful relationship with anger, however, we have a third option. When we feel angry in a relationship, we can become aware that we're feeling unsafe, that some expectation has not been met, and that our needs are not being met. We can own this experience, recognizing that it's about us, not about our partner. And we can choose to take appropriate action. Instead of attacking or withdrawing, we can choose to engage in relationship more fully.

Before we engage in relationship, however, we must first recognize that we're feeling unsafe, and remedy this. We may be able to shift our awareness and restore balance in our safety account in an instant. We may need to disengage (briefly) so that we can cool down before we reengage in relationship. Whatever method, it is essential that we feel completely safe before we proceed. If we don't feel safe, we won't behave in a reasonable or rational manner.

Once we feel safe, we can explore why we felt angry. Remember, anger arises because an expectation was not met, or a communication was not delivered. What was expectation? What boundary was crossed? What was not communicated? What was not understood?

Now that we've identified reason for anger response, we can consider it objectively. The most important question is whether our expectations were reasonable. Remember that we are responsible for meeting our minimum daily requirements of safety and validation on our own. When our unreasonable expectations aren't met, we do experience anger, but that anger is a call to make us aware that it's time to adjust our expectations, and this does not involve our partner in any way.

If we discover that our expectations are, in fact, reasonable, and that our partner is responsible, then it's time to defend our boundaries and hold our partner accountable.

Holding our partner accountable, however, is not same thing as blaming our partner, yelling at our partner, insulting our partner, "tearing our partner a new one," or in any way making our partner wrong.

It's important to recognize that much of time, all that we need is an acknowledgement that our partner has not met an expectation, and an apology. All we need in order to feel safe again is to be able to believe that our expectations will actually be met in future.

This may seem hard to accept-how could a simple apology ever be sufficient? It's something each of us has to experience for ourselves. The desire for punishment or revenge exists because we have disengaged from our relationships, and we believe that our partners are responsible for meeting our safety needs. When we take responsibility for restoring our sense of safety and choose to engage in our relationships, all we need is an apology-an acknowledgement of boundary violation-and then forgiveness comes naturally.

It's quite simple, actually. Unfortunately, simple isn't same thing as easy. Just as it's taking me time to adjust my expectations of Candice Bergen and accept her in her new role, it takes us (and our families) time to adjust our expectations and begin to relate to each other as adults.

One essential thing to recognize is that anytime nature and dynamic of a relationship changes--especially a long-standing relationship such as a family relationship--we're dealing with question of safety needs.

Let me explain. One of fundamental things that our egos need in order for us to feel safe is to know what to expect. On most fundamental level, "safe" is same thing as "familiar." We don't have to like what we expect in order to feel safe; we simply have to _experience_ what we expect.

Consider this: Our family relationships are some of most important (and frequently difficult) relationships in our lives. We value safety in these relationships tremendously, because safety often seems to be in such short supply. No matter how well defended we may feel in rest of our lives, our family members always know where (and how) we're most vulnerable. We instinctively cling to what's familiar (and therefore safe) in our family relationships, and this results in typecasting.

On a conscious level we may want to embrace our family members and recognize their evolution as individuals. On an unconscious level, however, fact that our family members are no longer playing their familiar and safe roles in family drama is very threatening. We (and our family members) unconsciously cling to familiar family dynamic (no matter how dysfunctional it may be), and try to impose it on our family members-even as we attempt to escape it ourselves.

There may be some very deep and dark fears at root of this. As long as we stick with original family dynamic, we're still a family. We're bound by blood and we are required to stay in relationship with each other. Parents are required to raise and protect children; children are required to live with their parents and abide by their rules; siblings are required to put up with each other, or at very least not fight in a moving vehicle.

Once we become adults, however, this dynamic no longer applies. The thought that our family members are no longer required to be in relationship with us--and worse, that they could choose to reject or abandon us--is fundamentally terrifying.

This is not necessarily a universal fear, of course. But I invite you to consider that we do derive a certain amount of comfort--and safety--from knowledge that there are some relationships that will always be a part of our lives.

So, how do we overcome typecasting in our family relationships? The same way that we change any belief or pattern in our lives: through AWARENESS, OWNERSHIP and CHOICE.

First, we become AWARE that our expectations of our family members may be out of date. Next, we OWN and take responsibility for our expectations, and for our safety needs. We are responsible for maintaining balance in our own safety accounts. It is not responsibility of our family members to help us to feel safe by living up to our expectations of them. Finally, we CHOOSE to relate to our family members as they are now, rather than as they were then.

When our family members have difficulties in accepting us for who we are now, remember that they're feeling unsafe. Who we are is unfamiliar and threatening to them. Once we're AWARE that we're involved in a safety issue, we can OWN situation. Owning this particular situation means recognizing that we're not responsible for fact that our family members feel unsafe. We are, however, responsible for making sure that their lack of safety does not result in _us_ feeling unsafe as well. Finally, we can CHOOSE to be gentle with our families, helping them get to know who we are, not making them wrong for relating to us as we were, and ultimately allowing them to feel safe in our relationship once more.

I'm gradually overcoming my expectations in my relationship with Candice Bergen, and as a result, our relationship has improved tremendously. Just imagine how powerful overcoming typecasting can be in your family relationships!