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As you read these, if you ASSUME that one or more of them is what everyone wants, you particularly need to pay attention, because in actuality itís amazing what people do want and expect that other people donít.
Itís important to know what you want, and then to observe person youíre considering marrying. Tom, for instance, primarily wanted a homemaker and recreational playmate from a wife. Middle-aged, he fell in love with a woman in her mid-30s who had never been married. This should have been a red-flag that domestic life probably wasnít what she was interested in. Once married, she became ardently interested in a career, since he provided her opportunity to get further education, and as she turned her focus there, all hopes of recreational companionship for Tom vanished. She, on other hand, had expected emotionally oriented conversation from him (openness), and joint accelerating career and financial goals. To him, ďshe never cooked or cleaned house.Ē To her, ďhe just wanted to play.Ē
It is devastating when we love someone and find out too late they arenít interested in same things. It is hard to trade off meeting needs that really arenít felt and enjoyed, and accommodation isnít always possible, i.e., you either are faithful or you arenít, you either want kids or you donít. If you want financial support from a man, itís best to find one who really loves to make money. If you want physical affection from a woman, itís best to find one who canít keep her hands off you. These things canít be faked, but, sometimes, when falling in love, we fool ourselves and therefore fool other person.
Issues can become clouded during courtship, especially when there is sex too soon. Physical intimacy causes those wonderful chemicals that cloud our thinking, and start bonding process. We can start to need and want a person who ultimately may not be able to meet our marital needs.
Take some time to envision carefully what you want marriage to look like. Observe person you have in mind in different situations. For instance, Tom might have noticed, if he hadnít been so ďin love,Ē that his partner didnít know how to cook and was never at home. She, on other hand, might have noticed most of his time and enthusiasm went into his recreation, and that he was content with his job and financial situation way they were.
Nothing is insurmountable, but you increase your chances by being mindful at outset. Couples survive infertility of one when they both wanted children, and a spouse can learn to verbalize, or make physical, affection they feel, if they want to please, but couch potato and amateur athlete who marry will canít accommodate, and career-driven women wonít be happy baking bread and being available for tennis games.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. Training and certifying EQ coaches. Email for information on this affordable, fast, effective, no-residency program. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn for free ezine.