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No, in fact manners is about letting it all hang IN. Keeping some things inside, quiet, and to oneself, turning down
volume, slowing down pace, out of consideration for other. Allowing other person some comfort, some space, some peace.
“A bore,” says Miss Post, “is said to be ‘one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself!’ which is superficially true enough,” she adds, “but a bore might more accurately be described as one who is interested in what does not interest you, and insists that you share his enthusiasm, in spite of your disinclination.” Boring others, then, is an act of rudeness (and one of my least favorites), because there is no thought given to interests or comfort of other.
“Nearly all faults or mistakes in conversation,” says Miss Post, “are caused by not thinking.” Ah hah! Or by thinking only of oneself.
“A first rule for behavior in society,” she continues, “is: ‘Try to do and say those things only which will be agreeable to others.”
How far away from this we have gotten!
So, to have good manners we must learn actions – “trivialities of deportment” – and then stop and think when we’re with others. Then we can avoid being tactless. “…[Y] ou must not talk about unattractiveness of old age to elderly, about joys of dancing and skating to lame, or about advantages of ancestry to self-made,” says Miss Post.
Avoiding being rude, has a lot to do with Emotional Intelligence which, like good manners, can be learned. EQ requires self-awareness and empathy – ability to understand how your behavior affects others (and their feelings). It requires a strong interface between emotions and thinking. Blurting out first thing on your mind (“What an ugly dress!) is rarely tactful thing to do. To be considerate of others takes Intentionality – intending to treat others well, and exercising self-discipline to do it. You might lower your voice, you know, steer subject away from unpleasant things, cover your mouth when you cough ….
It’s easier to be rude. If you don’t believe this, watch two children at play. They will revert to lowest level. It’s easier to scream, stomp, grab, jabber, be messy and disorderly, and scratch where and when it itches, than to stop and think about what you’re doing, take others into consideration, and act accordingly.
It’s harder to be polite. Of course you’d rather boom your boom box and enjoy your music regardless of others; have a tantrum when you’ve been angered; turn lights on when you come to bed though your spouse is sound asleep; ignore customer because it’s all such a chore, you know, working; or perhaps even hit someone who annoys you. These are easiest things to do, and most mindlessly satisfying, because you can indulge yourself with no thought for others.
But what happens when everyone behaves that way? Then we have a rudeness epidemic. And how will we change that? One person at a time! As Mother Teresa said, when house is dirty don’t complain or call a committee, pick up a broom and start sweeping.
©Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses, business programs, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email me for information on this fact, affordable program with no residency requirement.
