But having gotten my life mostly in order, I don’t look for danger, more hassle, or things that leave me fatigued or drained. These things to me are not “amusements.” I look for things that give me pleasure as I do them and leave me refreshed and relaxed.

DATING

Is it just me who gets puzzled when asked on a date, “What do you like to do for fun?” Maybe that’s particular to south Texas, but my answer to that question could go on for an hour. I find many things fun. It would be quicker to ask me what I don’t like to do for fun: Get hurt, Hurt someone else, or anything involving District Attorney’s office.

Furthermore, having Authenticity, as we call it in EQ, if I’m doing something, generally speaking I’m enjoying it and having fun. So at point gentleman asks me “What do you like to do for fun?” I could also answer in one word: “This.”

Sadly, that question immediately tells me HE isn’t having “fun.” I’m almost always “having fun” or I’d be doing something different.

Perhaps question those gentleman mean is “What can you and I do NEXT that would be fun?” Now that’s a fair question and quite answerable because it allows for constraints of situation—who’s involved, what nature of our relationship is, where we are, how much time we have, how much money we’ve got, and what temperature is!

WHERE DO YOU FIND ‘FUN’?

My client, Tamara, sounded dismayed. “I never seem to have any fun,” she said. “What do you mean?” I asked her. “What have you tried?”

“Everything,” she said. “When we go out, it’s a hassle. Gotta get dressed up, it’s something else on ‘to-do list, get a sitter, kids cry, we argue about where to go, when we get there it’s crowded, there’s a parking hassle …”

“What’s YOUR idea of fun?” I asked. There was a pause, and then she said, “Actually, it’s most likely to occur when I’m not going looking for it.”

THE GALLUP-ish POLL

“What’s your idea of fun?” I asked my friend who’s got a busy family and a full-time people-oriented job. “Being alone,” she replied.

Another friend told me, “Not thinking OR feeling. Being in flow, and that can be humming and being lost in comfortable thought while I mop kitchen floor, or playing a tennis match.”

Yet another said, “Anywhere without decisions or arguments.”

And last, but not least, “Something that doesn’t end me up with a policeman, lawyer, doctor or therapist.”

Rarely, beyond high school/college years, is having fun going out and getting rowdy. I’m thinking of my friends years back whose marital counselor told them to “go out and have some fun.” So he got drunk, and they ended up spending night in jail. That’ll do a lot for your marriage!

Define your terms! When someone tells you to “have fun,” be curious and check it out. If it’s a professional giving you advice, such as a coach, or doctor, ask them WHY they are recommending, “having fun” and what it means to them. It can mean add something pleasurable to your life, or remove some obstacle or annoyance, or do something new and/or different. It doesn’t have to mean putting a lamp shade on your head and dancing on table.

And consider it a projection of sorts. I don’t think I’ve ever asked someone that question, or required it of them. It doesn’t seem relevant. I “am” fun, and we “are” fun, and it “happens.”

RAISE CONSCIOUSNESS

My client Rebecca was sad. Her boyfriend had told her she was too serious and needed to have more fun. We went through discussion again. Bottom line – she’s happy and content most of time. The only time she’s miserable is when she’s doing those things “other people consider fun.”

However, I decided to take my therapist friend’s advice and ‘go have some fun.” After all, house would still be unsold when I returned whether I thought about it or not, and I had done all I could.

What did I do?

We each have to discover our own definition of fun, sometimes over and over again, it’s a vital part of emotional intelligence and wellness, and its yours, all yours!

"So how you feel about and treat others has more to do with you than with them, is that right?"

"Yeah, I think that’s right! I never thought about that before!"

"What if someone was trying really hard to get you to like them - like giving you a lot of compliments - would that make you like them?"

"Actually, I don’t like it when people butter up to me. I just feel manipulated by it."

"So things they do to try to control how you feel about them don’t necessarily work, is that right?"

"Right."

"So what makes you think that doing things right will have control over others liking you? Don’t you think everyone is like you - that they decide for themselves to be accepting or rejecting and that it’s often based on how they’re feeling rather than on anything to do with you?"

"Oh my God! So why am I trying so hard to do everything right? It’s a waste of time and energy, isn’t it?"

"Yes, it is. It’s not that we can’t influence people, but ultimately we have no control over them. Each of us decides, in any given moment, to be loving or unloving, accepting or rejecting, open or closed. No one decides for us who we are going to be, and we don’t decide that for others. When you really accept that, you will stop trying so hard and just be yourself. And if you’re not trying to do everything "right" you might be more accepting of yourself as well."

"So what does all this have to do with my anger and clutter?"

"How it relates to that is that you are trying to change yourself in order to do things right, and one way you think you can change yourself is to judge yourself. You are trying to control yourself just as you try to control others. And what happens when you judge yourself? How do you feel?"

"Awful. I feel just awful, with a big black hole inside."

"And is judging yourself working to get you to stop being angry and to clean up clutter?"

"It’s not working at all."

"Right. When you judge yourself, you create an inner resistance. The way through this resistance is to move out of judgment and into compassion for yourself. Compassion open door to awareness and choice. It gives you safe inner arena to see what you are doing - such as getting angry or creating clutter - and to decide what you really want to do differently. Compassion for yourself is essential to moving out of a stuck place. What you judge won’t budge!