Once you know how you feel, and what you want, you have a good chance of getting it! This has nothing to do with manipulation, by way, nor is it heavy-handed power plays, forcing others to do what we want. Intimidating others with words, threats or body language is bullying. People do this who have an exaggerated opinion of their own rights vs. those of others. What’s confusing is that these tactics work … in short-term and temporarily. A demanding, intimidating person may be able to get what she wants once, or in limited circumstances or vis a vis other people with no Personal Power, but in long run, people will avoid, disrespect, or avoid her in future.

Feeling your Personal Power and behaving in an appropriately assertive manner allows other to respect you. It means stating your position with clarity and confidence. It relieves stress in your life because you cease tolerating behavior that’s offensive or that drains your energy. At same time, it increases your chances of getting what you want, because first you must ask. You might ask for more intimacy or more money, less work or less noise, or some acknowledgement and some appreciation.

In order to claim your Personal Power, you need to have self-respect. This is something you accomplish; it doesn’t just happen. It means learning to truly love and value yourself, albeit a work-in-progress. With Personal Power, you ARE, you don’t DO. If you demand respect from someone, you may get it – temporarily, reluctantly and with confusion (because other person senses you don’t respect yourself) and therefore they don’t know how to give it to you. On other hand, when you are clear about who you are and how you expect to be treated, it will happen.

Each time you fail to stand up for yourself, and treat yourself poorly, or let others do so, you will lose ground you’ve gained. Again, it’s a constant process. Eventually it becomes automatic and part of you, but it takes time, and you will backslide. Each time you do, process your feelings. How were you feeling beforehand? How did you feel afterward? Would you be willing to change your behavior so you don’t feel bad? (Yes!)

During learning process you have to be patient with yourself, and also mindful. You have to be able to catch yourself immediately minute you slip. If you entertain even thought of “I’m an idiot,” erase it. Replace it with something positive. With time, only positive thoughts will enter your self-talk, but only if you’re mindful about what you say to yourself.

Here are some of ways you can command respect:

·Knowing your values and having standards, and behaving in accord with them ·Your attitude ·How you treat yourself. If you’re willing to abuse yourself, others will join right in. ·Keeping good boundaries. Become committed to living your life with joy, assertiveness and productivity, and refuse to engage with people (even when family!) that can’t support this approach. ·Watch your posture, eye contact, walk, and how you hold your head and shoulders. ·Make your SELF known – have opinions, state them, take part in conversations, be present and fully engaged. ·Acknowledge compliments graciously. Say “thank you,” instead of, “Oh, it really wasn’t much.” ·Stop cross-thinking, i.e., did I say or do right thing? Learn to develop your intuition (an EQ competency), and to go with it and trust it. With practice, you’ll act naturally and spontaneously, and stop questioning yourself at every turn. Others will respond to this. ·Eliminate complaining and worrying. They accomplish nothing except to drag you down, and make others think less of you. ·Use solution-focused problem-solving, not emotion-focused problem-solving.

How to get started? Commit to a structured learning program. Take The EQ Foundation Course©. It’s available on Internet and will give you theory. Then work with a certified EQ Coach. You need time, practice and feedback to change social and emotional skills. You cannot JUST read about it. Then take action. Put into practice what you’re learning. With time, you can make great changes!

RESISTING BEING CONTROLLED BY YOURSELF

The resistant pattern can continue on inner level, creating much immobilization. For example, if one part of you is saying, “We’ve got to lose weight,” or “We have to get this place organized,” or “We’ve got to get bills paid and taxes done,” or “We’ve got to stop being late everywhere,” another part might be saying, “You can’t tell me what to do. I don’t have to do what you say.” It’s as if there is an inner controlling parent telling you what to do, just as your parents might have, and an inner resistant child resisting in same ways you might have learned to resist when you were growing up.

If you are stuck in this inner pattern, it is important to realize that same thing is true as when resisting another person: it’s more important to you to resist being controlled - even if it is by you - than to be loving to yourself. Obviously, if you are overweight, it would be loving to yourself - to your health and well-being - to lose weight. It would be loving to yourself to clean up your living space and get it organized, to pay your bills and get your taxes done, and to be on time. If being loving to yourself were your highest priority, you would do these things or whatever else you are resisting. You are stuck because resisting being controlled, out of a fear of losing yourself, is more important than being loving to yourself.

RESISTING BEING CONTROLLED BY GOD/SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE

This same pattern can be operating in reaction to spiritual Guidance. I’ve counseled many people who clearly hear small still voice of Spirit guiding them, but refuse to listen out of fear of being controlled by God. Others resist even possibility that spiritual Guidance exists for them out of this same fear.

If you are stuck in your life, you might want to look at what you are resisting. You might want to explore wounded part of you that is so afraid of loss of self - of being controlled, engulfed, smothered - that you resist all that is truly in your highest good. Making this unconscious pattern conscious is first step to getting unstuck.