However, in continuing to attend to Rachael’s feelings and giving them a lot of her time, Joanne is indulging Rachael and teaching her to use her feelings as a form of control. In addition, Joanne is not helping Rachael learn to manage her feelings rather than dump them on others. Just because we feel something doesn’t mean we need to act on feelings. As adults, just because we may feel like having a ice cream for breakfast, doesn’t mean we indulge ourselves in having it. Just because we feel like sleeping in when we need to go to work doesn’t mean we allow our feelings to determine our behavior. Just because we feel like punching someone in nose doesn’t mean we do it. Hopefully, we’ve learned to acknowledge and release our feelings without letting them control us.

The same needs to be true with our children. We need to learn to comfort our children’s authentic feelings, such as pain over loss of a friendship, while not giving much attention to feelings expressed to control. When Joanne tales responsibility for fixing Rachael’s feelings, Rachael does not have to learn to take care of her own feelings. Joanne needs to walk away from or ignore Rachael’s tantrums and complaints when they are about things like her clothes or food. She needs to let Rachael know that, while she understands her feelings, Rachael also needs to learn to accept things as they are. Accepting how things are is part of learning to manage feelings.

If Joanne wants Rachael to grow up with good values, she needs to not give energy to issues such as clothes. Indulging Rachael in thinking right clothes are so important is not good for Rachael. Indulging Rachael in controlling whether or not she is included in adult activities is also not good for Rachael. Rachael needs to learn to accept things even if she doesn’t like them – we all need to learn this. By indulging Rachael’s manipulative behavior through giving all her feeling so much importance, Joanne is creating a child with entitlement issues.

Before we can help our children manage their feelings in healthy ways, we need to learn to manage our feelings in healthy ways. If you are indulgent with your feelings, your children will learn to do same. If you are using your feelings to manipulate others, or allowing other to manipulate you with their feelings, your children will learn this from you. One of best things you can do for your children is to become a role model regarding taking personal responsibility for your feelings.

Teach your child to respect themselves. Self-respect is one of most important forms of respect. Once we respect ourselves, it is easier to respect others.

Your opinion means a lot to your child. If you believe your child can succeed, they will believe they can as well.

Build their independence. Give them responsibilities as soon as they can handle them.

Help them set and achieve goals. Their self-respect will skyrocket when they see themselves achieving those goals.

Encourage honesty. Let your child know that they may be able to fool some people, but they can’t fool themselves. There is no pride in stealing, cheating, or lying.

Most importantly, show love! Say ‘I love you” often and give plenty of hugs and kisses.

If your child makes a mistake, remind them that they are still loved.

Age affects children’s respect. Children and adults deserve respect at every age. Here is a guideline based on age:

Babies – They are too young to show respect but when you meet their needs, they learn to trust you. This helps as they get older because respect for authority is based on trust.

Toddlers – They are old enough to learn to say “please” and “thank you”.

Preschoolers – This is a good time to teach rules and consequences.

Elementary age – They show most respect for adults who make fair rules. It helps to let them have a say in rules that they are expected to follow.

Middle and High Schoolers – Allow them to show independence, such as clothing or hairstyles, but make sure you have guidelines. They will appreciate respect you are showing them. We respect you and incredible job that you have, being a parent.

Have a great day!

Steve McChesney