• Inquiry: Ask open questions that provide information and meaning, such as “What did you notice?” or “What did you think?” or “What conclusions did you draw?”

• Paraphrasing: Ask questions that check your understanding against what other person meant, such as “When you said this, did you mean...”

• Acknowledgment: This may be most under-utilized but powerful tool for defusing negative emotions. What makes conversations difficult is that people have strong feelings. Acknowledgement of another’s frustration, upset, or anger goes a long way to defusing emotional charge that blocks ease of communication. Phrases such as “I can see how angry you feel” or “ If I were in your shoes, I would probably feel just as frustrated” honor other person’s reality even if you don’t agree with their perspective.

To transform a difficult conversation into productive problem solving, uncovering assumptions provides key to greater mutual understanding. Therefore, explore other’s views and experience first. Then share your views and experience. Only after both parties’ views are clear does it make sense to problem-solve.

Although it may seem counter-intuitive, time taken to engage in empathic listening and respectful sharing of divergent perspectives greatly increases quality and speed of problem solving. While engaging in difficult conversations often feels risky and challenging, price of not having them - lost time and productivity and less than optimal results - could cost you and your organization far more than time and effort of doing so.

(c) Copyright 2003. Manya Arond-Thomas, all rights reserved.

Understand Anatomy of Effective Requests and Promises

The purpose of communication in business is to make agreements on how we are going to take action to achieve outcomes and results we want. What drives action and creates velocity are requests and promises. This is lifeblood of business communication.

An effective request must contain three elements:

- Saying exactly what you want. - Saying exactly when you want it. - And saying exactly who you want it from

Note that operative word here is exactly. The more precise you are in your requests, greater likelihood that you¡¦ll get what you want or expect.

Certain actions, or lack thereof, create confusion, resentment, communication breakdown, and thus unmet goals. Common ways we sabotage our communications are by:

- Making unclear requests - Not making requests - Not communicating expectations - Promising when unclear about request - Not declining requests - Breaking promises without mending break

If you need to improve performance in your organization, take a close look at effectiveness of your organization¡¦s feedback mechanisms, and skill level people have with these essential communication tools. With appropriate training supported by follow-on coaching, you can improve individual and organizational performance relatively quickly.

(c) Copyright 2003. Manay Arond-Thomas, all rights reserved.