However, I’ve have had some parents tell me that repeated nagging does work but then my next question usually has a different answer---At what cost? What was cost of getting that room cleaned? First, there was cost of you losing control and being a person you probably don’t want to be and secondly, there was a definite cost to relationship between you and your child. Do you believe that after an exchange such as that one, two of you will be ready and willing to have a meaningful discussion about life or anything else about which you may like to talk? Probably not.

What I am about to say probably goes against what you have believed good majority of your life and that is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone to do something differently or for a particular thing to manifest itself in your life in order for you to be happy, then you are operating from outside in instead of inside out.

I am not here to tell you to stop what you are currently doing. If you want to hold on to your beliefs that when your husband becomes more affectionate, your children more obedient, your wife more supportive, your boss more appreciative or you to get your education, pay off your credit cards, buy your first home, etc. in order for you to be happy, then go ahead. But for those of us who want to practice inside out thinking, we don’t like to give power to others to control our happiness or any of our other moods or emotions. We know that we are responsible for ourselves and no one else.

What I can help you with is learning how to be person you want to be, feel emotions you want to feel by changing what you do and how you think about things. There is a quote I want to leave you with from Jimmy Dean. “You can’t change direction of wind, but you can adjust your sails.” This is representative of true inside out thinking. People and events are going to be what they are around us. There is very little we can do to impact other people’s behavior and uncontrollable events in our lives but there is always something each of us can do to manage those things better. If you would like more information please visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.

Compare that to, you ask your partner to attend party. He or she agrees. You go and have a wonderful time, spontaneously enjoying some quality intimacy upon your return home. Do those circumstances feel different to you? I bet they would to your partner.

No one likes to be controlled no matter how subtly or skillfully controlling is administered. External control is one thing human beings are almost guaranteed to rebel against.

The bottom line is that we often engage in destructive relationship patterns with those people we claim to love most. We typically don’t use these destructive behaviors with our friends. If we were to try, we soon wouldn’t have any friends left!

When we think about our progress over past 100 years in terms of technology and relationships, it is very clear that we have made great strides in technological field and very minimal gains, if any, in our relationships with each other. Can you think of things we have available to us today that didn’t exist 100 years ago? Today we have cell phones, computers, satellite, televisions, DVDs, CDs, space travel, etc. The list is virtually endless.

One of reasons we have made such huge gains in technological field is because those who are working at making those advances are willing to try a new approach when their approach is no longer working. They adjust their behavior to fit situation. This is simply common sense.

However, in area of interpersonal relationships, would you say that people get along better today than they did a century ago? Do husbands get along better with their wives? Do parents get along better with their children? Do teachers get along better with their students? Do neighbors get along better today? Most would admit that there has been little, if any, improvement.

The reason for this lack of progress in relationship department is that when our external control behaviors don’t work to get us results we want, we take those same behaviors to next level. We are convinced that they will work if only we do it more often, harder or faster. In other words, we get a bigger stick!

The reason this mentality has survived ages is because we can usually crank up pressure or find one punishment or threat that will work to get us what we want. Did you hear me say external control doesn’t work? Of course it works! That’s why we use it. The question remains: At what cost?

When we consistently use external control behaviors in our relationships with those we love, what does it cost? It costs us relationship. I’m not saying relationship will necessarily end, although that is a definite possibility. What I am saying is that we keep whittling away at foundation of our relationship and then wonder why there has been no relationship progress over past 100 years or even longer.

There are alternatives. There are ways to simultaneously honor ourselves and our partners. The first step is to recognize when we are using external control behavior. We will probably be able to recognize it long before you feel able to do anything about it. This is acceptable. Of course, best case scenario is that from this moment forward, every time you consider externally controlling your partner, you stop yourself and use a caring habit instead. However, if that is not what happens in your case, don’t despair. Recognizing external control is first step---bringing it into your conscious awareness. Once it’s there, then you can make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

To learn about excluding external control from your life and implementing caring habits in your relationships, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.