Begin with fine grit sandpaper, and gently buff your legs in a circular motion. If you’re lucky enough to have access to a belt sander, start on low and slowly work to a medium setting. Those pesky bumps will disappear in no time.

Winter clothes, and layering, can make us lazy, so practice holding in your stomach and tucking in your bottom, at same time. Remember, our goal is to make shopping day a happy day, so suck in that tummy, and for good measure, tuck a fifty cent piece between your cheeks. If you practice holding it for only twenty minutes a day, why, in six months you’ll be able to crack walnuts with those little beauties.

One Week

A week before big day; shave, wax, or slather on your favorite depilatory. And no, not just on your legs. My dear, there is nothing more unattractive than appearing to have a Jimi Hendrix-like wig stuffed in your pants. It simply won’t do. Remember, we want to draw eye to our best features.

Purchase a pair of polarized sunglasses. It’s a little known fact, but polarization cuts down on demoralizing effect of dressing room florescent lighting.

Weather permitting; get some sun on your legs. A bit of color will work wonders on loose flabby skin. Or, you might try one of new sun-less tanning agents. Splurge, buy a name brand. By cutting corners with an off brand, your legs may truly resemble orange peel.

The Night Before

Pamper yourself with a pedicure. Yellow-y toenails and dried cuticles have spoiled more than one bathing suit shopping day. And don’t forget those crusty heels.

No under eye bags for you missy, get a good night’s rest. If possible, watch “Beach Blanket Bingo” as you drift off to sleep. It will put you in mood, and remind you that real women jiggle.

The Big Day

Sneak out of house before anyone else is even awake. And for heaven’s sake, no matter what “experts” say, do not take a friend. A true friend will lie.

So my darlings, go forth, flaunt your newfound confidence and buy that swimsuit.

One last warning - Should you run into a twenty five year old, sunglass-less vixen, modeling a thong, retreat, but not before making eye contact.

Indicate, in that special, wordless way that women around world recognize, that she looks fat.

“Sometimes, being a bitch is all a woman has to hang onto”. Kathy Bates in Delores Claiborne

Copyright 2003 D. Gustafson All Rights Reserved For more really swell aspects of mid-life, visit Mama's Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com

D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.

Increased or decreased libido

A Patek Philipe watch will increase your libido, and a bad hair day will decrease it. So what? You’ve faked it before, you still can. Incontinence

Try not to laugh too boisterously. Instead, adopt an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile, it will afford an aura of mystery, and keep your panties dry.

Increased flatulence

If you make a little mistake, simply look around for offending individual. Please, of course it's not you.

Depression

For God’s sake, we’re waiting for an onslaught of anthrax, smallpox, and creeping crud. Who isn’t depressed?

So, take heart, you’ll make it through. Have fun with it.

Play “connect dots” with your age spots. If they form an exact replica of Abraham Lincoln, you may be able to get on The Letterman Show.

Pause o'Menses by D. Gustafson. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. For more of really swell aspects of aging, visit Mama’s Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com

D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.