Continued from page 1
When you first try
gift/favor approach, it won't feel right at all. The immature recesses of your mind (what I call
"inner brat") will NOT want to do it. It may even scold you for kissing up to someone who treated you with disrespect.
But your inner brat doesn't realize that you are not kissing up. You are taking charge, choosing to rise above
other person's hostility. This is
mark of a mature person, something
inner brat can't understand.
Here are some tips to make
gift/favor strategy even more powerful:
1. You don't have to act right away -- in fact sometimes it's more effective when you wait a while.
2. The gift or
favor must be very small. If it's too lavish,
other person might consider it a bribe or a manipulation. In
earlier example of
ex-wife, suppose
man had brought her some expensive perfume. In that case she could have easily assumed that he was just trying to control her.
3. Any favors that you do for this purpose must appear casual and incidental. Note that
man with
cherries told his ex that he noticed them while he was shopping at
farmer's market. He gave them to her at
same time that he was picking up his kids. He didn't make any special trips. When you present token gifts in such a casual manner,
recipient is less likely to feel manipulated.
4. Use this approach sparingly. If you do it too often, you may be viewed as patronizing or "kissing up." It's better to save it for infrequent little surprises.
As I mentioned earlier, this approach does not work 100% of
time. But even when it doesn't, you can still reap a benefit. Because you choose to respond with kindness and consideration, you will remain calmer and feel more in control over
situation. And, as an added bonus, you may find that you are not so annoyed by
other person after all!

Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and coach in Camp Hill, PA, and author of "Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating Behavior" (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2004)
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.