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The way is ANOTHER way. Why would you spend any time with a person like this at all? If you can’t fix it, no one could. It’s only fixable if
person realizes they play victim, wants to change, asks for help, and then practices new behaviors with insight.
If not, it’s you that will get “fixed.” It takes two to play game, and if you willingly agree to participate, then you have lost. There’s no way to win it; they are pros at what they do. And, really, you’re a pro at what you do – taking bait. (Don’t be a victim yourself! If you agree to play game, then you can’t blame someone else, can you?)
Are you ‘wearing a sign’? Some people get used this way more than others, but remember that victim or cynic is going to find SOMEONE, so it’s a matter of who looks like best playmate for this nasty game.
HOW CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
1.Go rested. Family issues are charged, and holidays escalate emotions because we tend to overdo and are tired and stressed.
2.Manage expectations. If you don’t expect too much, you can’t be disappointed. (What goes up, must come down.)
3.Don’t set yourself up. If you can’t stand your Uncle Albert and agree to have a dinner for 4 with him, who is playing helpless and hopeless? Among many miracles of Christmas is not going to be a sudden epiphany on Uncle Albert’s part, turning him into a great dinner companion. Include him in a large gathering, or not at all. You have choices.
4.Develop your intuition and emotional self-awareness. To refuse to play, you must recognize signals as yours speak to you. A few distancing remarks and you can excuse yourself to get back to your work/go get a bite to eat/go shoot yourself. 5.Manage your emotional response. Self-soothe, breathe deeply, let it go through you. No one can make you angry or hurt you unless you agree to it.
6.Don’t trap energy. You don’t have to act on what you’re feeling and you don’t have to “keep” it. Let it move on. (Visualize this.)
7.Have some distancing language available. (The provocation can be a nonverbal, so stayed tuned in. If you feel provoked, you have been.) If someone says, “Well you just had to wear that dress, didn’t you? Always lording your money over us,” you know it’s a fight (aggressive). If they say, smiling sweetly, “You must’ve spent a fortune on that outfit,” in a certain tone of voice, and history is a money-issue between you, it’s also a fight (passive). A distancing reply might be, “Shopping really takes time.”
8.Be respectful and neutral as you get away. Distance by language and also literally.
9.If it’s a “loved one” remember that you can love someone whose behavior you don’t like, and don’t use “but.” If you say, “She’s my sister BUT she’s awful,” you’re conflicting yourself. Actually there are some awful sisters in world and some of us have them, so two aren’t antithetical. You can say, “She’s my sister AND she’s awful,” and there you have it. (Others will nod, knowing what you mean.)
10.Work with an EQ coach to get some more tips.
Good luck!
©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life and EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. Emotional intelligence, career, relationships, midlife, transitions. For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .
