These can all be same place and same holiday. Which one appeals to you more? One key element of communication is way we process, or “represent” words.

None of above is “better” than any of others. The fact is, we are either “visual”, kinaesthetic (feelings based), or auditory. Although we all have a capability of using all three, we will almost certainly have a preference for one of these, possibly with another as a back up. So, when we are remembering events we will use whichever of these is more natural for us. Someone who naturally uses visual channel we will tend to talk abut their holiday experience in language which paints pictures. They can see those clearly in their own minds and, therefore, will use words to share picture with others. No problem for an audience who can also go into their visual channel. Not so effective for those who are stronger in one of other channels. I wonder which you are?

When we are planning to talk to others, whether in your teams at work, potential customers or suppliers it helps to realise that not everyone shares your preferred style for processing information. The first step is to recognise which might be your preference. It is probable that you will use language which fits this when you are expressing yourself. This is why we are suggesting you need to develop your flexibility.

When we talk about “think before you speak” we are encouraging you to do a few things. As a first step, think about receiver, or receivers. What do you know about them, their likely response to your message (given your filters) and their level of understanding? When you have taken time to consider this information you can aim to pitch your message at right level for audience.

The next step can be to think about receiver and consider where they might be on visual, auditory or kinaesthetic scale. This is obviously easier when you are dealing with individuals. When addressing a group, it is reasonable to presume that you need to think about covering all three, although visual and kinaesthetic will probably be majority.

To build up your awareness of others, you can look for some indicators. They may not give you whole answer, but they can steer you right way. “Visuals” will often talk with language that use picture-type words. Colours, images and scenes will be in their vocabulary. They paint pictures with their words. They will also tend to talk more quickly, be more animated and their gestures will be wider – using their hands to reinforce picture. They may well be gesturing from chest upwards and outwards too.

“Kinaesthetics” will use feeling language. They talk about how they feel, need to grasp things, and so on. Their feeling language may be about tangible feelings, ie getting hold of something, how hard or soft it is, or it could be more about emotion. They will often speak more slowly, taking time to think about things and their feelings and checking them before speaking. They do not gesture expansively, and may well move hands towards themselves, especially to their centre and even touch themselves or hold something.

“Auditories” will enjoy talking about things! They often question a lot, want to discuss things. They want to know that things sound right! Their clues are harder to spot in many ways as they can be more subtle. Listen for words to do with hearing, sounding right. Their gestures might be more rhythmic and are often addressed to mouth, head and ears.

This might seem like a lot to consider before you speak. The trouble for all of us is that we spend much of our life talking - and it works to some extent. When it does not, we can have a tendency to blame others for not understanding. Well, it is not their fault! As a sender of a message, we have a responsibility to pitch it to be right for receiver. We need to not only do basics of considering their level and likely response as mentioned earlier, we also need to do our best to deliver it on their wavelength. We need to remember they may not be tuned in to same one as we are sending on! By taking some time to think about our own preferences, we can identify which processing styles we might be missing. From here, we can work on increasing our flexibility to use right language to cover others.

Remember – “the meaning of my communication is response I get”.

Graham Yemm a founding partner of Solutions 4 Training Ltd. He has worked with many different organisations around the world conducting both training and consultancy assignments. He is a Master Practitioner of NLP and an accredited trainer for the LAB profile programme – “Words that Change Minds”. Contact,

If you ask people what they think, they'll feel encouraged to jump into discussion... and that's what you want, isn't it? Ask questions, and let folks know you're open to new points of view. When you word your ideas in from of questions, you're basically saying "Hey, I know I don't have all answers. But I'm thinking, and I'd love for you to add your insights." Then, by phrasing your questions in a specific way, you can gently 'lead' conversation. Next time you have a strong opinion to state, practice rephrasing it into a question. "What ways might we practice common courtesy in an effort to improve internet communication?" There, see how easy that was?

4. Remember real-time issue.

If you haven't noticed, real-time has some wacky effects on internet communication. Sometimes, messages look like they're written in response to something someone else said... when really, they just landed there by sheer coincidence!

Suppose someone posts a remark at 9:05 a.m. Pacific Time, as you just happen to be posting exact opposite viewpoint at 12:05 p.m. Eastern Time. When messages "land" one after other, it creates illusion that second person was arguing with first person, when actually they were not and had no knowledge of other person's post! Whoa. That's real-time at work, and it's some crazy stuff. The lesson to be learned: don't assume anything, especially on internet.

The other way that real-time can botch up works is if you're seeking advice or technical support. You post a question, some time elapses, and moderator replies. But by now, you've figured out answer and it's led you to a third complication. Now, you can either try and over-explain confusion in an effort to be polite, or say to yourself, "the heck with this" and leave discussion, which could be perceived as rude. It's quite a fretful situation. Keeping this in mind...

5. Think before you speak.

Using example from Point 4: thinking before you ask technical questions can save everybody exhaustion of over-communication. Rather than blurt out your confusion, have a look around, see what's going down. Is there an FAQ section you can refer to?

I have been known to dive right in to chat without knowing what heck is happening. As a result, I am familiar with taste of shoe leather. If you're puzzled about what's going on in a public forum discussion... can you go back and read a few old posts to get caught up? You'll save everyone a lot of wasted words if you just get with program. I learned hard way, but you don't have to.

"Think before you speak" also means proofread. Be on lookout for ambiguous content. If you're tired, stressed or feeling under weather, you may have some trouble getting your point across. Maybe it's not best time to communicate.

As a writer, I'm acutely aware of word choice. Use wrong word, and WOOOPS- somebody is getting total wrong idea. Copywriters have a chance to write multiple drafts – and in that way, get multiple chances to refine what they say in their writing. Internet posters don't have this option. Once you hit POST, you can't take back what you've written. All you can do is send MORE posts, and give folks impression that you are a babbling fool! So, for your own sake, heed my words, take your time, think about what you want to say, and PROOFREAD!

Above all, keep a positive attitude and an open mind. Welcome others' opinions while gently expressing your own. Be forgiving and patient with people and their bumbling ways. Be a good internet communicator.

Copyright 2005 Dina Giolitto. All rights reserved.