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“But they’re dead!” you say. Yes and no. Why do you think we call them un-dead? They’re walking aren’t they? Well really sort of shuffling, but they’re on two feet. And they talk or moan or groan or something along guttural lines. And they always know exactly where people they are chasing are because they always show up no matter where hero runs with his heroine. That means they have control of their faculties, right?
Speaking of control, have you ever noticed that zombies never need to go to bathroom? They devour entire human bodies, (using atrocious table manners, I might add) and drink gallons of human blood, but they never have to go. Why is that? Maybe kidneys of steel are a requirement to be in flick like this?
And their personal hygiene, UGGH! Matted hair, toothless mouths, grubby skin, and tattered clothes. Haven’t they ever heard of Colgate®? And they don’t care! They even sometimes have orgies around a bonfire and not a drop of water or a cake of soap anywhere in sight. Not even a single spray of Binaca®! What kind of logic is that? I wouldn’t think of attending an orgy without my breath mints–Ahem–er–uh–not that I’ve ever–ah–well anyway, back to zombies.
I think someone ought to set movie industry straight. Un-dead creatures deserve same treatment as any other monster. Heck, even The Blob took an occasional dip in river. And did you ever saw Dracula in a wrinkled suit? Get with it Hollywood. Clean up your act. Justa Rant, Jo
Copyright 2000 S. Joan Popek. Copyright on all material in this publication is held by S. Joan Popek. Any use without expressed written permission is strictly prohibited.
S. Joan Popek publishing accomplishments include the EPPIE 2000 Award winner, THE ADMINISTRATOR from The Fiction Works, SOUND THE RAM'S HORN, previously from Bookmice.com and soon available from Hard Shell Word Factory, and a nonfiction, JUMP START YOUR CAREER WITH ELECTRONIC PUBLISHERS, an EPPIE 2002 Finalist, is now available at Atlantic Bridge Publishing.