I'd never phoned Wahoo! before but now I thought I ought to contact them to explain that I'd been working on my site for two years and surely it would be better for them to keep my domain open and just accept a payment from my visa card. For some reason I'd always thought Wahoo! was in California, perhaps Silicon Valley, but they turned out to be in Texas, which I suppose explains why they call themselves Ya... I mean Wahoo! Anyway, after I'd tapped in usual half-a-dozen choices via my phone keys, I finally got through to right department. The girl on line was pleasant, helpful and informative. She even told me that it was raining in Texas. I said I didn't think it ever rained in Texas and did she know that Dallas was named after my little village (pop. 200)in Scotland? She said no, but she thought Houston was named after Sam Houston.

That was really high point of conversation. She finished by saying that my site was due to be axed in twenty-four hours and that, much as she regretted it, there was nothing she or anybody else could do about it. However, I was welcome to upload as many pages as I liked after I had re-registered, and have a nice day.

Well, I know when I'm beaten. I could feel weight of a mighty corporation behind her words, like you do when a policeman pulls you over. Ok, I thought, let's try a small company, and why not one that's a little closer to Scotland than Lone Star state.

I chose one in England. I explained my problem on phone and guy said they had a very efficient, friendly service, so I paid my subscription and signed up. That was five days ago and I've not been able to contact them on phone since. Hmm...

Meanwhile Ya... I mean Wahoo! have re-installed my site address, minus contents, so I now have two websites - both empty.

Yep, looks like it's gonna be a long, hard winter.Herd 'em up, move 'em out - Yahoo! James Collins http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com email: collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk

We all know human race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I don't suppose animal kingdom took us very seriously before we equipped ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of more vulnerable and touchy families got together one day and decided to head out for colder climes, where it would be possible to dress up and hide their bony knees without feeling they were being stared at.

I read somewhere that whole population of northern Europeans could be traced back to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand this right it means that around five families were responsible for diversity of virtually whole of Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my theory about our neurotic ancestors could account for a lot of things, couldn't it?

What do you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people laughed at Darwin when he brought out his theory, and they would certainly have done same to Einstein if they'd understood what he was talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some light on seemingly irrational activities like war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht racing.

A large claim, you may say, but consider; those pioneer Europeans who came trudging all way from plains of Africa (I seem to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they came from India, but I'll think about that tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, went to an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? They were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all fits).

Now, does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. It's M.O. of just about every politician you ever heard of. One imagined slight and you have shoes banged on conference tables, and sanctions applied at very least, and at worst - well, you know what I'm saying. And there you have it. These are same guys who led us out of swampy old Africa in year dot - give or take a couple of millennia.

Neat theory,eh? Better than string theory. I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity though, that it doesn't seem to have any practical application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our leaders and put them back in African veldt. Could you?

As for our friend intrepid Marine, who trekked all way up north in his birthday suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try Africa next.

James Collins http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com email: collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk