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We all know human race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I don't suppose animal kingdom took us very seriously before we equipped ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of more vulnerable and touchy families got together one day and decided to head out for colder climes, where it would be possible to dress up and hide their bony knees without feeling they were being stared at.
I read somewhere that whole population of northern Europeans could be traced back to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand this right it means that around five families were responsible for diversity of virtually whole of Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my theory about our neurotic ancestors could account for a lot of things, couldn't it?
What do you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people laughed at Darwin when he brought out his theory, and they would certainly have done same to Einstein if they'd understood what he was talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some light on seemingly irrational activities like war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht racing.
A large claim, you may say, but consider; those pioneer Europeans who came trudging all way from plains of Africa (I seem to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they came from India, but I'll think about that tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, went to an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? They were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all fits).
Now, does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. It's M.O. of just about every politician you ever heard of. One imagined slight and you have shoes banged on conference tables, and sanctions applied at very least, and at worst - well, you know what I'm saying. And there you have it. These are same guys who led us out of swampy old Africa in year dot - give or take a couple of millennia.
Neat theory,eh? Better than string theory. I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity though, that it doesn't seem to have any practical application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our leaders and put them back in African veldt. Could you?
As for our friend intrepid Marine, who trekked all way up north in his birthday suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try Africa next.
James Collins http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com email: firstname.lastname@example.org
James Collins is an artist, writer and musician who works in the Highlands of Scotland. These days he specialises in portraits of pets and other animals, but he still finds time to paint and draw the beautiful and rugged Scottish landscape. He lives with his wife, daughter and three dogs in a house overlooking the Moray Firth.