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4. Check out your nearest hunting and fishing club (that’s only place to play with big boys’ toys or swap big whoppers with best bareback bull-riders or feisty fly-catchers in town!)
5. Visit a shoe-store and pick out best pair of glass slippers you can lay your eyes on (if they don’t have any in stock, ask who makes best brand …because you need to replace pair of steel-toed stilettos you misplaced at last ball you attended if you recall!)
6. Put on your dancing duds, turn down lights, and crank up mood music (listen up there “Goody-Two-Shoes” …how can you meet Mr. Right unless your neighbors know you’re one very potent party-animal who simply adores dog-trot, dog-paddle, or better yet …a daring dog-catcher!)
7. Sign up for some high-energy hoopla (you know … steamy, strut your stuff, svelte exercise programs such as private pole-dancing, strip-tease yoga, and winking for wimps!)
8. Learn to play golf (it’s only time you can talk about balls with great abandon, rent a cute-looking caddy for day, a carry a long club without any questions asked, or just knock socks off other fellows in your foursome as one very spicy, sophisticated, sultry, swinger from Shady Lane!)
9. Practice your pillow-talking skills (by whispering sweet nothings into your bed-linens or singing saucy songs in shower; that way you’ll constrain that crazy urge to canoodle and be ready to meet Prince Charming, disguised as a shoe clerk, who's eager you try on that little glass slipper silly!)
10. Memorize some provacative parlour pick-up lines (like “Okay, if I shake MY Booty, then will you come out and play?” “Granny Smith doesn’t live here …but if you’re Johnny Appleseed …I’ll show a you good time in my Garden of Eden”, “Keep ringing my chimes like that and I’ll have to call Big Bopper on you!”)
And if this doesn't work for you, take a hint from one wisewoman with a wishbone -- run out and join circus. After all, who wouldnt want a couple of "boisterous broads" to liven up greatest sideshow on earth!
Aphrodite Beamish, a sexagenarian siren with a penchant for candy kisses, pink girdles, and black fishnet stockings (among other delightful diversions denied to most glee-oriented, glad-handing gorgeous gadflies) can usually be found lollgagging about in her chaise longue in the Court of The Quipping Queen with a lot of other quirky quidnuncs. (Visit www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com for more details).