So Fred slept in barn with hogs in Missouri Where roachies and rats and reegreechies would scurry So dark and so cold in yuck and storm He'd hug to hogs in mud to keep warm.

And up with sunrise Ol' Rooflus came screaming "TIME TO SLOP HOGS- STOP YOUR SNORING AND DREAMING" And oh- how Fred hated to wake up each day For he dreamed of his soft bed, back home, far away.

Then Rooflus would swat with his sluggardly-stick Fred'd jump for bucket of schloppettyschlick, full of sloopage and scumdredge and leftover lardy, rotten vomatoes and chunkies of barfy.

Fred got so hungry his tummy would gurgle When he'd spy a bitey of uneaten burgle Floating about in schloppetyschlick But Rooflus said "NO SIR, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT" For hogs need to eat, they are useful and tasty But you're good for nothing; you're stoopid and lazy .

And only thing Fred was Prince of was pigs (But pigs ate much better than Fred ever did!)

REPENTANCE Luke 15:17 "When he came to his senses, he said, `How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! Luke 15:18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. Luke 15:19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.'

And slowly, sneaking as if by surprise an idea began growing behind Freddy's eyes 'til one day he came to his senses and said, "If I stay with these hogs pretty soon I'll be DEAD!" The servants that work for my Dad eat like Kings And all I can eat is regreechichies and squings And moldy old swatches of schlochettyschlick Left where piggelet's tongues couldn't lick.

So I'll hike back to Father and beg for a job 'cause I've got experience slopping these hogs! Of course he won't let me back into house Since I spent all his money out being a louse I'm no longer worthy of being his son But I'm great with hogs- I can get job done.

EATING HUMBLE PIE Luke 15:20 So he got up and went to his father.

So Fred ran away from Pougkipsee and Rooflus Hitchedhiked a wildebeest down to San Lucas Stowed away in gut of a whale named Jonah Til whale barfed him out on beach of Pomplona! He ran in a rickshaw to Katmandudu Nambibia, Naples and Kalamazoo.

After 7 long years of swimming and running (It takes a long time without daddy-o's funding) Fred saw land he'd remembered in dreams- The shores of Tasmania- sparkling and clean.

FATHER WELCOMES HIM: "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Now King Frederick feared that young Fred had died But day after day, King strained his old eyes Peering through periscopes over hills Praying that Fred would come home to him still.

And that day, greatest day, what did he see? Floundering Freddy afloat on sea The King ran like an antelope, threw out a raft Pulled Freddy onto beach with a laugh.

Luke 15:21 "The son said to him, `Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.

Freddy coughed up all seaweed and water said, please don't kill me, but hear me out, Father I've sinned, I'm a joke, I'm a heel of a schmuck I'm mother's worst nightmare- bait for bad luck, so Just let me live in shack with peasants Slopping hogs, or dressing pheasants I'm no longer worthy to be called your son But I've learned to slop hogs- I can get job done!

Luke 15:22 "But father said to his servants, `Quick! Bring best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Luke 15:23 Bring fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. Luke 15:24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

King said, "Son, we've no hogs, we're Tasmanian Jews But you're home alive- That's greatest of news!" "So bring him my robe, put my ring on his hand Let's throw a party all over land Strike up band let hoopla abound For Prince Fred was lost; HOORAY, he's been found!"

OLDER SON GETS MAD: Luke 15:25 "Meanwhile, older son was in field. When he came near house, he heard music and dancing. Luke 15:26 So he called one of servants and asked him what was going on. Luke 15:27 `Your brother has come,' he replied, `and your father has killed fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.' Luke 15:28 "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. Luke 15:29 But he answered his father, `Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. Luke 15:30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill fattened calf for him!'

But Fred's brother Ned wasn't dancing with glee Ned sat there, lips pouting all pitifully Saying, "Hey daddy-o - I'm as nice as can be- But when did you throw a big party for ME? I worked and I slaved and busted my buttocks While that little twirp spent your loot like a dumb-ox.

FATHER GIVES MORAL Luke 15:31 "`My son,' father said, `you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. Luke 15:32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"

"But Ned", said King, "You're already with me What's mine is all yours, far as eagle eyes see So come on! Let's party, let's rock & get down 'cause Fred, left for dead, is alive and in town!"

And this, goobs and gurls, is way God loves you Whatever you say, sin, bamboozzle or do, When you come running home with your arms open wide God says, "Come on in, love! There's a party inside!"

© Copyright 1989 Troy Nilsson You may reprint this story in whole or in part if you: 1) Notify Troy Nilsson of use, 2) Prominently include credit "© Troy Nilsson of NilssonMedia.org" with used material.