I shut all these things down and used words like “tired” and “in pain,” but at core, yes, I was afraid. Fear of unknown, and fear of being helpless and dependent.

I was also afraid of fantasized reactions of others, having come from a family of shame and blame. I think nothing will ever “happen” to me that I won’t feel like I caused it and was a ‘bad girl’ because of that. Words from an overwhelmed, shame-and-blame mother who saw everything as simply more work for her. Whatever caused ankle to break, I should’ve known better, I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have been there, and I should never have let it happen – as if I were omniscient and omnipotent. That means all-knowing and in control of everything in world. It was family that taught intellectual words, not feelings. Old childhood fears. In line with, “Whatever it is you fear has already happened.”

And at that particular moment in hospital corridor, well you never know what will turn up on any chest x-ray, no matter why it’s required. Nor had results of EKG come in yet. What if I went in with a broken ankle and came out with a bypass? Or worse yet, out back door on a stretcher. It’s been known to happen.

As J. Powell says in “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?” emotions are not moral (good or bad). Feeling frustrated, or being annoyed, or experiencing fears and anger do not make one a good or bad person [a weak or strong person.] But this is theory. In our day-to-day lives most of us blame ourselves for our feelings.” And if we judge them to be “bad,” or unacceptable to us in some way, we bury them.

So there I sat in my wheelchair, silent and alone. And there was Abuelita, expressing her fear and getting comforted. It’s an old lesson: People care. If we say we’re afraid we can be comforted. If we don’t, we can’t.

All studies show that people do best who have a strong social support network, and if you don’t say WHO you are and HOW you are, you aren’t getting connection that sustains you. You remain alone in presence of others, which is loneliest you’ll ever be.

And let me close with words of technologist who finally did my x-ray. Dianna was her name. She read name of my company, Emotionally Intelligent Solutions, on chart. “What’s that,” she said, “Is that like I’m to point where I can’t stand any of my co-workers any more and I think they’re dumb and ignorant and feel like I’m about to explode,”

Yes, EQ is about that, too!

The woman works two 16-hour days, physical and demanding (how on earth do you do that?) and has three children at home. I gave her my card. I hope she’ll call me. It may not be her co-workers that are problem.

And that’s power of Emotional Intelligence. If you are problem, you are also solution, and Emotional Intelligence is bridge between two.

Intimidation - engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming, threatening, and posturing in a threatening way.

Manipulation - doing or saying things to influence your partner, for your benefit, instead of theirs.

Hostility - using sarcasm, put-downs, and antagonistic remarks. Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt – a major predictor of divorce.

Vengeance - need to “get even” with your partner for a grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional couples “keep score,” and are constantly trying to “pay back” each other for offenses.

Criticism – involves attacking someone’s personality or character, rather than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame. Like contempt, criticism is a second major predictor of divorce.

Option 3. Positive interactions Start by actually listening not only to what your partners says, but what he or she means. Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they listen with their answer running because they are defensive. Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce.

Stick to issue at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to do in heat of battle. Focus and stay in present.

Learn to forgive. Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at Smalley Relationship Center, suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!

Communicate your feelings and needs. Tell your partner how you feel about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive behavior. Use “I” statements rather than accusatory, or “you,” statements. Learn to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can better understand and respond to you. For instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need for emotional safety and security that is not being met; communcating this is far more effective than lashing out at your partner in an angry tirade.