And then there was garden of course. I expertly discovered ley lines that relate to drainage system. This should have been done privately.

However, we live in a quiet, semi-retired, semi-detached area, and my tracking drainage caused district net curtains to act as if there was a tornado approaching.

We rent house we currently live in and our landlord is slow when it comes to getting things done, so, in a way, metal detector really came into its own when I decided to phone our landlord. There’s a ladder on our roof that has been there all year and it’s been annoying me, so I thought I’d have him on toast. The phone call went like this.

“Hello, Bob, it’s Holmes here. I bought a metal detector today and discovered there’s a ladder on roof. This could attract burglars, surely.”

There was such a pause at other end of line. I could hear confused steam coming from his ears as he got this mental image of my scaling house with a metal detector.

The ladder is still there. All that’s changed is landlord now seems incredibly wary of me when he collects rent each month…

Now, where did I put washing machine?

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I digress. Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury’s. The “Jamie effect” as Sainsbury’s themselves have called it, has boosted their profits by £153m. You can’t say fairer than that.

Whilst we’re on subject of celebrity chefs, Rick Stein aside, one other I have a lot of time for is Kevin Woodford. Though more high profile than Stein, he has also retained some basic human qualities such as humour and a lack of pretence. Speaking of Kevin Woodford also allows me to regale you with something very funny I read in Loaded several years ago.

One of their writers was over on Isle of Man and had popped in to The Waterfront, Woodford’s flagship restaurant, only Mr Woodford wasn’t in kitchen that particular day. As Isle of Man has very strict laws regarding homosexuality (basically, don’t, regardless of your age) writer, John Perry considered that perhaps celebrity chef had gone back to mainland “where his moustache would raise less suspicion.” Very good. Wit and a damning indictment on homophobia all rolled into one.

These chefs do serve one useful purpose though. Highlighting fact that it’s ok for blokes such as me to potter around kitchen without fear of ridicule. We can experiment to our heart’s desire. And whilst we’re on subject, I find it delightful that my stepson is doing cookery at school. He has no choice. It’s part of curriculum. Breaking down barriers of stereotyping is always a good thing. (I’d rather I hadn’t had to try his scones out last week though.)

This is only use for celebrity chefs though. Allowing men into kitchen is too large a price to pay for having them on our screens so often. You may remember I spoke earlier of Rick Stein causing a fish to flap about with bulging eyes. It rather reminded me of chefs themselves.

© Copyright Holmes Charnley mmiv. All rights reserved.