The ‘pull’ is there, if you can’t think for yourself. The media is most obvious culprit – ads on TV and radio that increasingly bombard us with a sensational, insensitive and expensive lifestyle; but our friends, neighbors, colleagues and even loved-ones may do same.

RESIST!

As an adult 'child' you may be vulnerable to expectations and judgments of your parents, i.e., “But we always have a party on Christmas Eve, then breakfast on Christmas Day, then church …” and on and on.

Likewise as a grandparent, your adult married children can lead you a merry chase, not just requiring you attend activities, but asking you to fill in when they’re in over their heads, gotten sick, and need help. “Mom!! I’ve got to get cards out, baby’s sick, house is a mess, we’ve got houseguests coming …”

If you work in an office, you’re vulnerable to hub-bub around you. Deanna is giving her husband a golf vacation, shouldn’t you? Julie’s husband is buying her a sapphire ring, shouldn’t you feel bad if your husband isn’t? If you aren’t centered, and using your EQ, it’s whiplash!

And all parties, with liquor, sweets and unhealthy foods you don’t need. Getting off your schedule, and letting kids get off theirs. Not getting enough sleep. Spending too much money and worrying about it. And first thing to go is your exercise regime.

Even your place of worship will have a full schedule of events and services beckoning to you, and every organization you belong to is giving a party.

It all adds up to stress, stress impacts your immune system, and you get sick. This throws you farther behind your frenetic schedule, adding more stress.

STOP THE MADNESS!

This year, try something different. Do half of what you consider doing. This will mean having priorities, first of which is your health and well-being, and that of your family.

Fix half of what you ordinarily do for your Christmas dinner. Try adding some healthy foods. They are always easier to prepare. What does it take to put a pear on a dessert plate and serve it? (Make it festive with garnish – squirt on some whipped cream, add mint leaves and red peppermint.) Some sautéed green beans with dill? Add some pimiento; you have red and green!

Then spend about half of what you consider spending – on kids but also on your partner and other loved ones. Running up credit cards is a stressor too.

Try giving more of your self – your time and your attention. If you think that’s “harder,” you’re right, and also you need to take a look at this.

Basic to all this – you have to take care of yourself. Set an example for others this year and start new traditions. Half as many!

The way is ANOTHER way. Why would you spend any time with a person like this at all? If you can’t fix it, no one could. It’s only fixable if person realizes they play victim, wants to change, asks for help, and then practices new behaviors with insight.

If not, it’s you that will get “fixed.” It takes two to play game, and if you willingly agree to participate, then you have lost. There’s no way to win it; they are pros at what they do. And, really, you’re a pro at what you do – taking bait. (Don’t be a victim yourself! If you agree to play game, then you can’t blame someone else, can you?)

Are you ‘wearing a sign’? Some people get used this way more than others, but remember that victim or cynic is going to find SOMEONE, so it’s a matter of who looks like best playmate for this nasty game.

HOW CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

1.Go rested. Family issues are charged, and holidays escalate emotions because we tend to overdo and are tired and stressed.

2.Manage expectations. If you don’t expect too much, you can’t be disappointed. (What goes up, must come down.)

3.Don’t set yourself up. If you can’t stand your Uncle Albert and agree to have a dinner for 4 with him, who is playing helpless and hopeless? Among many miracles of Christmas is not going to be a sudden epiphany on Uncle Albert’s part, turning him into a great dinner companion. Include him in a large gathering, or not at all. You have choices.

4.Develop your intuition and emotional self-awareness. To refuse to play, you must recognize signals as yours speak to you. A few distancing remarks and you can excuse yourself to get back to your work/go get a bite to eat/go shoot yourself. 5.Manage your emotional response. Self-soothe, breathe deeply, let it go through you. No one can make you angry or hurt you unless you agree to it.

6.Don’t trap energy. You don’t have to act on what you’re feeling and you don’t have to “keep” it. Let it move on. (Visualize this.)

7.Have some distancing language available. (The provocation can be a nonverbal, so stayed tuned in. If you feel provoked, you have been.) If someone says, “Well you just had to wear that dress, didn’t you? Always lording your money over us,” you know it’s a fight (aggressive). If they say, smiling sweetly, “You must’ve spent a fortune on that outfit,” in a certain tone of voice, and history is a money-issue between you, it’s also a fight (passive). A distancing reply might be, “Shopping really takes time.”

8.Be respectful and neutral as you get away. Distance by language and also literally.

9.If it’s a “loved one” remember that you can love someone whose behavior you don’t like, and don’t use “but.” If you say, “She’s my sister BUT she’s awful,” you’re conflicting yourself. Actually there are some awful sisters in world and some of us have them, so two aren’t antithetical. You can say, “She’s my sister AND she’s awful,” and there you have it. (Others will nod, knowing what you mean.)

10.Work with an EQ coach to get some more tips.

Good luck!