Option 2: Interact differently. Many couples like Kevin and his partner develop patterns of behavior that create miscommunication and conflict. Do you interact in one or more of these ways?

-Inattention; simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn’t. This is also called stonewalling or being emotionally unavailable when your partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods because you are upset with them.

-Intimidation; engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming, threatening and posturing in a threatening way.

-Manipulation; doing or saying things to influence your partner for your benefit instead of theirs.

-Hostility; using sarcasm, put-downs and antagonistic remarks. Extreme or prolonged hostility leads to contempt – a major predictor of divorce.

-Vengeance; need to ‘get even’ with your partner for a grievance you have against them. Many dysfunctional couples ‘keep score’ and are constantly trying to ‘pay back’ each other for offenses.

Option 3: Positive interactions. Start by actually listening not only to what your partner says, but what he or she means. Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they listen with their answer running because they are defensive. Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce.

-Stick to issues at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to do in heat of battle. Focus and stay in present.

-Learn to forgive. Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at Smalley Research Center, suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness!

-Communicate your feelings. Tell your partner how you feel about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive behavior. Use ‘I’ statements rather than accusatory, or ‘you’ statements.

-I can stay calm; he might be a dangerous threat to me.

-I’m sure it is not personal; he is cutting me off because he is stressed and in a hurry.

-I’m not going to radiate and stoop to his or her level; there are many reasons for his or her behavior; maybe he just phoned his boss who said he would get fired if not in office in next ten minutes or he may be reacting to family responsibilities.

Benefits of your new perspective:

-Increased tolerance and more understanding of possible reasons for other driver’s bad behavior.

-Resolve not to make his or her problems your problem. (Remember: it doesn’t have to be!)

-Understand that getting even to right wrong of another driver is not justified or rational.

-Remember that maintaining a hostile attitude on road is harmful to society – innocent drivers, their families and their loved ones.

Example 2: Slow driver:

You are late to an appointment but stuck behind a gray-haired lady going 15 miles an hour below speed limit. Your automatic thoughts: ‘Why does this always happen to me? She is doing this to make me late. Why can’t she get out of my way? How inconsiderate she is! She shouldn’t have a driver’s license.’

Self-talk options:

-She is not driving slowly to make me late; she probably isn’t even aware of me.

-Maybe she is old and impaired and doing best she can.

-Perhaps she just came from doctor’s office with bad news and is on verge of tears.

-I can’t control how fast she drives so why get upset?

Angry feelings are a normal response to driving frustrations. Unfortunately, our ‘automatic thoughts’ may increase these feelings and cause us to lose control.

Learning different ‘self-talk’ gives us a powerful tool to control our negative emotions on road so we can avoid death, serious injury or legal problems.