It took three years before anyone in her family started to treat Angie with any sense of respect. It took three years before they accepted that they could no longer treat her badly if they wanted a relationship with her. Presently, Angie has a much better relationship with her family. While they will never have deep caring and compassion for her that she has for them, they no longer expect her to take responsibility for their feelings and needs, and they no longer blame her for problems that arise.

The question of disengaging from one’s family, or from a particular member of family, often comes up in my counseling work with individuals and couples. Many people have been taught that it is wrong to pull away from one’s family – that one should keep family unit intact at all costs. Many people have been taught that it is loving to sacrifice themselves for their family, and selfish to take care of themselves.

The problem with these beliefs is that it gives a person, who is being blamed and disrespected by their family, no way out. Many of people I work with, who have problems with their families, know that they would never allow a stranger to treat them way their family treats them. Yet they feel afraid if they think about speaking up for themselves, and guilty if they think about disengaging from an emotionally abusive family relationship.

Sometimes most loving act, both for oneself and for others, is to disengage from an abusive relationship. It is not loving to ourselves to allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully, and it is not loving to others to allow them to treat us disrespectfully. Angie’s whole family is much better off today than before she disengaged, even though they were furious at her for it. Angie was actually being very loving to them by expecting them to treat her with caring and respect.

We can promote compassion by helping our children to think about how others feel. For example, if your child says or does something hurtful to another child, help him* to focus his attention on feelings of his victim by saying, for example, "How do you think Zack feels? Would you like to feel like that?" Children develop compassion by practicing acts of caring and kindness towards others. As adults, we need to emphasize importance of helping others, giving others benefit of doubt and being open to differences.

What You Can Do

Talk about point of view of others as you watch TV, read booksor discuss other people with your child. For example, ask, "What doyou think that character is feeling and thinking?"

Show care toward others, such as doing errands for sick neighbors or opening doors for others.

Give others benefit of doubt. If your child complains that a classmate deliberately pushed her down on way to lunch, explain that sometimes when people are in a hurry, they don't watch where they're going--they don't mean to push or hurt anyone.

Be open to differences. If your child says "Our new neighbors dressfunny," explain that people often wear clothes that reflect theircultures or native countries.