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My father’s withdrawal, of course, only served to exacerbate my mother’s complaining, and she constantly complained about my father’s lack of caring about her. Likewise, my mother’s complaining served to exacerbate my father’s already withdrawn way of being. This vicious circle started early and continued unabated for 60 years of their marriage, until my mother died.
While my parents loved each other, their ability to express their love got buried beneath dysfunctional system they created. Unfortunately, this is all too common in relationships. One person pulling – with complaints, anger, judgment, and other forms of control - and other withdrawing, is most common relationship system I work with.
A person addicted to complaining will not be able to stop complaining until he or she does inner work of developing an adult part of themselves capable of giving themselves love, caring, understanding and compassion they need. As long as they believe that it is another’s responsibility to be adult for them and fill them with love, they will not take on this responsibility for themselves.
Our inner child – feeling part of us – needs attention, approval, caring. If we don’t learn to give this to ourselves, then this wounded child part of ourselves will either seek to get it from others, or learn to numb out with substance and process addictions – food, alcohol, drugs, TV, work, gambling, and so on. If, as a child, a person saw others get attention through complaining – as my mother did with my grandmother – and if complaining worked for child to get what he or she wanted, then it can become an addiction. Like all addictions, it may work for moment, but it will never fill deep inner need for love. Only we can fill this need for ourselves, by opening our hearts to Source of love. Only we can do inner work of developing a loving adult capable of opening to love of Spirit and bringing that love to child within. People stop complaining when they learn to fill themselves with love.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org. Phone Sessions Available.