The Beginnings of Medicine, via the Back Passage.

Written by Thick Mick.

Continued from page 1

Yes, our local clinic was never understaffed or under-resourced, such wasrepparttar availability of bamboo.

Should a hungry dinosaur “happen” on your leg, arm, or anything except your head (this would have been considered to be a “threat”), a simple poultice made of Zinc (readily available atrepparttar 118123 7/11), Selenium (unavailable, but anything starting with “S” was sufficient, and only your imagination could deprive you), and milk (fromrepparttar 118124 milkman), would redirectrepparttar 118125 pain. Guaranteed!!!!

You had to be tough to survive medicine, and that was just practicing it. To survive it as a patient required a sharp memory. If you “forgot” your previous visit, then ...........well then......longevity was not for you!

There was nothing trivial, repetitive or indeed actual, aboutrepparttar 118126 Hippocratic oath. “Accept your fate, and relinquish your dinosaur eggs” as I remember it, wasrepparttar 118127 motto of Medicine.


Thick Mick is an "expert columnist" with the


Written by Theolonius McTavish

Continued from page 1

16. If it’s true that Santa is magical then why does Christmas Eve take so long?

Santa didn’t invent grandfather clocks, glow-in-the-dark watches, or other bleeping gadgets and gizmos. If you want to complain, I suggest you contactrepparttar old coot in charge, “Father Time”.

17. Where does Santa hide his claws?

Just because he wears a red and white outfit doesn’t make him an “Abominable Person of Snow”. Besides, Santa doesn't need to scratch anyone’s back for a handout.

18. Why are Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?

It all started with a few disgruntled Tarot card readers complaining about not being included inrepparttar 118122 Christmas story. So,repparttar 118123 United Nations stepped in to stop allrepparttar 118124 whining and snivelling which was getting out of hand, (especially a campaign launched byrepparttar 118125 Society of Plus-Sized People who wanted to replace Santa Claus withrepparttar 118126 Jolly Green Giant asrepparttar 118127 symbol of rampant consumer spending, healthy lifestyle choices, and more free giveaways). Anyway, to make a long story short, a referendum was held and peoplerepparttar 118128 world over voted in favor of retaining Santa Claus, (dressed in his well-worn red and white suit), as star ofrepparttar 118129 annual "Festival of Negative-Savers". As a consolation prize,repparttar 118130 World Trade Organization declared that "red and green will berepparttar 118131 official designated colours of all wrapping paper, ribbons, and note cards accompanying charitable spam and jam food hampers destined forrepparttar 118132 Tooth Fairy,repparttar 118133 Great Pumpkin, andrepparttar 118134 Easter Bunny", (who are usually overlooked at this time of year).

19. Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself?

Of course he does! It’s only celebrity psycholigists who suggest that a jolly, bearded gentleman with a red-nosed reindeer in tow should "get a life". There's an old adage that says, "Behind every wet blanket lies an incontinent universe". So take my advice, get off those high-and-mighty hobbyhorses and ride a reindeer for a day. Better yet, take a break. Try watchingrepparttar 118135 deer andrepparttar 118136 antelope play onrepparttar 118137 back forty..."where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, andrepparttar 118138 skies are not cloudy all day." It's way more rewarding than watching soppy soap operas or a fancy fella dispensing dross to dysfunctional divas, disadvantaged doorknobs, desolate dorks, delusional duffers not to mention one too many detached dingbats.

20. What do parents living in warm climates tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there’s no snow in most places and it’s far too warm to be wearing that red suit.

Santa is a very resourceful, fit and adaptable guy with loads of charisma, not to mention tons of glad tidings and good cheer which is often in short supply aroundrepparttar 118139 Christmas dinnertable. As a matter of fact, he wears a chartreuse thong or a scarlet pair of bikini briefs underneath his red tunic -- just in case he needs to slip into something more comfortable during his visit to Hellhole Palms (California), Boneyard (Arizona) and Weeki Wachee (Florida).

21. How come there isn’t a “Trading Spaces” TV show for Christmas yard decorations?

It’s not enoughrepparttar 118140 world's falling apart because golfers and gadflies don't know how to swing a hammer and nail for Pete's sake! Now you want to bring outrepparttar 118141 really weird folk who think decorating their lawns with something other than gnomes, angels and fairies would be sinful?

22. Are Santa’s Elvesrepparttar 118142 same elves that arerepparttar 118143 Keebler Elves? After making toys, do they moonlight by baking cookies and crackers?

Our delightful, double-duty, efficient elves are far more productive and happier thanrepparttar 118144 ‘one-size-fits-all’ sort of wee folk who work in many sweaty sylph shops aroundrepparttar 118145 globe. Our toy-shop offers a safe and friendly working environment, free milk and cookies during every 15- minute break, an opportunity to create whistle while you work songs, and an all-expense paid three-week vacation in Fannie, Arkansas not to mention a very popular and hugely successful government-subsidized retraining program for trolls.

23. Why doesrepparttar 118146 Christmas season always come whenrepparttar 118147 stores are at their busiest?

Inrepparttar 118148 Land of Cowabunga, cowboys and cash-cow milkers, never ask why brown cows don't fly there. (Trust me, they've never heard of a kahlua coffee liqueur with a dollop of whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles on top, and a Maraschino Cherry).

24. Should we mail our packages early sorepparttar 118149 Post Office can lose them in time for next Christmas?

Ah yes,repparttar 118150 Post Office, everyone’s favorite pastime -- flogging dead horses. Take my advice, stop your faultfinding ways and use your positive energy flow to find a Flying Nun willing to take those parcels off your hands in return for all your Airmile points.

25. On artificial Christmas trees, why do they always makerepparttar 118151 center trunk green? Wouldn’t it be more realistic if it were painted brown?

What do you expect from fake things, perfection? If you’re not doing anything useful besides asking questions that require answers few have time to ponder, come and join our Toy-Shop Team atrepparttar 118152 North Pole. We have no trees, we have no bananas, and we just love elves who can hum along, otherwise this year there'll be no presents underrepparttar 118153 tree (be they fake or real).

Oh and if by chance you should get stuck beside a "Bah Humbug" type at Christmas dinner, remindrepparttar 118154 foul miscreant that miracles do happen. Thankfully, at midnight some turn into whoopee cushions to amuse family or friends. Fortunately, others find redemption, (if only for a day), by ridingrepparttar 118155 winds of change which usually means donning a red jump suit, handing out equal-opportunity goodies to those who've been naughty and nice, and last but not least -- remembering to say, "Ho Ho Ho ...and to all a good night!"

Theolonius McTavish is a ripsnorting reporter of ribaldry and eccentric clairvoyant in the court of The Quipping Queen at

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