I decided to try a rapprochement. "You have to admit that most people would rather sacrifice a few laboratory rats than discover their children have gone blind."

"Mice!" insisted Mouse #1.

"Pardon me," I replied

"We are mice, not rats," explained Mouse #2.

Robin Gunn snorted. His band of merry hunters snorted, too.

"I suspect most people would not care whether their cosmetics are tested on mice or rats or elephants, as long as they know products are safe before they buy them," I suggested helpfully.

"Great! Now our host wants to torture elephants , too," Big Bear growled with an increasingly hungry look in his eyes. "Don't you know they are an endangered species?"

It was at that point that I decided to bring in Plan B. "Brownies anyone?"

Robin Gunn snorted. His band of merry hunters snorted, too. But they ate brownies.

I turned to Mr. Gunn. '"I understand need to eat animals I said, with one eye on Big Bear, but doesn't killing them for sport seem a bit much?"

"Why?" Mr. Gunn wanted to know.

"Well, it doesn't seem like much of a sport when one team gets a high-powered shotgun, while other never even knows there's a game going on, does it?"

Big Bear growled. The mice growled, too. OK, so it was more like a high-pitched squeak, but it's thought that counts, right?

I tried another line of discussion. "What if you met with animals to pick teams. Wouldn't that be a little more fair?"

Robin Gunn looked at me like I was crazy. Big Bear looked at me like I was crazy.

It turns out that I was crazy. The summit ended in a dismal failure. Big Bear loved brownies, but he wanted something more. The Three Blind Mice never even saw him coming.

And Mrs. Gunn is really enjoying her new bearskin rug.

Meanwhile, I don't know what to do about my increasingly greasy hair. I suppose that sooner or later, I'll have to use shampoo. In meantime, I wonder...do you think ketchup will work?

Pat Buchanan: "[H]omosexuality is an affliction, like alcoholism."

Bill O'Reilly to Jewish caller: "[I]f you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel."

Bill Cunningham (Clear Channel radio host who appeared as a guest on The Sean Hannity Show): The election is over because "Elizabeth Edwards has now sung."

Jerry Falwell: "And we're going to invite PETA [to "wild game night"] as our special guest, P-E-T-A -- People for Ethical Treatment of Animals. We want you to come, we're going to give you a top seat there, so you can sit there and suffer. This is one of my special groups, another one's ACLU, another is NOW -- National Order of Witches [sic]. We've got -- I've got a lot of special groups."

Posted to web (http://mediamatters.org/items/200412230005) on Thursday December 23, 2004 at 6:17 PM EST Copyright © 2004-2005 Media Matters for America. All rights reserved.