This tool helps prevents you or your partner from saying unfair or hurtful things in heat of battle—which can easily escalate into further conflicts and resentments, causing you and your partner to become even more emotionally cut-off and distanced from each other.

Some Basic Rules

While concept of “Retreat and Think Things Over” is simple, it will not work very well unless following rules are followed:

Rule #1: You can only use tool for yourself - not your partner. It does not usually work for you to tell your partner it is time for them to retreat.

Rule #2: Announce that you need to take a time out and Retreat before you do it. This should be done using assertive communication in a way that clearly conveys your need to leave before thing get out of hand, as opposed to your leaving to merely avoid dealing with situation.

Rule #3- You need to commit to a reasonable length of time to return and deal with issue— no longer than several hours, as a general rule.

Rule #4: Don’t drink or use drugs to get high during this time. It will be much harder, if not impossible, to convince your partner of your sincerity in wanting to work things out if you return intoxicated or high.

Rule #5: Be very careful and very selective in who you talk to during your Retreat Time. While there is a natural tendency to contact a friend or family member who is sympathetic, you should be careful.

Why is this important? Because they may have a permanently negative view of your partner, even after you have made-up and things are now fixed in relationship.You can’t necessarily expect your family to turn positive emotions back on like you have.

Temporarily removing yourself from situation allows your body and mind to return to normal, allowing your normally good reasoning to return.