That's Not How It's S'posed To Be

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life & EQ Coach

Continued from page 1

Why? Because I could delineate hererepparttar logic and rationale that would lead you out ofrepparttar 126109 turmoil intellectually (if only that were possible). The cold, hard facts are that we don’t always get what we want, that tragedy occurs, that children die before their parents, thatrepparttar 126110 best of workers gets fired, that there are no guaranteesrepparttar 126111 one you love will love you back, that you can maintain a strict health regime and still need a bypass at 55, and that a cushy retirement is a phenomenon produced inrepparttar 126112 minds of a generation whose parents never expected such.

But does this help? No. In fact it sounds cruel. This is what happens to OTHER people, we will always think, and if one of these adversities occurs, we will struggle withrepparttar 126113 question, “Why me?”

Sadly,repparttar 126114 more appropriate question is “Why NOT me?” and how that hurts.

The acts of 911 brought this actuality torepparttar 126115 lives of many people who hadn’t experienced it before. “This could never happen” became a reality and it shook our foundations. This is what resilience is about. It’s about what do we do when we land on another planet, when we lose our moorings, when nothing makes sense, whenrepparttar 126116 sun we expect to rise every day one day does not, whenrepparttar 126117 things we believed in no longer hold true.

Resilience involves flexibility and forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves, of other people, ofrepparttar 126118 random universe, and for whatever spiritual expectations and beliefs we held, andrepparttar 126119 flexibility to cope with something entirely new. These assaulting events cause us to reorient, to think things through atrepparttar 126120 deepest level, and to learn new ways of not just adjusting, but of adapting. We may even be called upon to have a metamorphosis, likerepparttar 126121 tadpole. It can feel like you’re a creature with gills who lives in water who is suddenly required to grow lungs and breathe air.

While we continue to hope and believe that bad things won’t happen to good people (like us!), it’s wise to work on developing your emotional intelligence so some of these skills are available when you need them. Once you understandrepparttar 126122 fundamentals, you can begin applying them to small matters in your life. It’s like flexing your muscles. You’ll be glad you did!


You can begin by taking The EQ Map ( ), an emotional intelligence assessment. Then take The EQ Foundation Course (see my website), read some EQ books ( ), and work with an EQ coach.

Many people who begin this journey say, “It’srepparttar 126123 missing piece.”

©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life coach, . Offering The EQ Foundation Course and other Internet courses, coaching and ebooks for your personal and professional development. for free ezine. I train and certify EQ coaches. I train and certify EQ coaches. Email for information.

The Psychology of Torture - Part II

Written by Sam Vaknin

Continued from page 1

Bystanders resentrepparttar tortured because they make them feel guilty and ashamed for having done nothing to preventrepparttar 126108 atrocity. The victims threaten their sense of security and their much-needed belief in predictability, justice, and rule of law. The victims, on their part, do not believe that it is possible to effectively communicate to "outsiders" what they have been through. The torture chambers are "another galaxy". This is how Auschwitz was described byrepparttar 126109 author K. Zetnik in his testimony inrepparttar 126110 Eichmann trial in Jerusalem in 1961.

Kenneth Pope in "Torture", a chapter he wrote forrepparttar 126111 "Encyclopedia of Women and Gender: Sex Similarities and Differences andrepparttar 126112 Impact of Society on Gender", quotes Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman:

"It is very tempting to takerepparttar 126113 side ofrepparttar 126114 perpetrator. Allrepparttar 126115 perpetrator asks is thatrepparttar 126116 bystander do nothing. He appeals torepparttar 126117 universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, onrepparttar 126118 contrary, asksrepparttar 126119 bystander to sharerepparttar 126120 burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."

But, more often, continued attempts to repress fearful memories result in psychosomatic illnesses (conversion). The victim wishes to forgetrepparttar 126121 torture, to avoid re-experiencingrepparttar 126122 often life threatening abuse and to shield his human environment fromrepparttar 126123 horrors. In conjunction withrepparttar 126124 victim's pervasive distrust, this is frequently interpreted as hypervigilance, or even paranoia. It seems thatrepparttar 126125 victims can't win. Torture is forever.

Note – Why Do People Torture?

We should distinguish functional torture fromrepparttar 126126 sadistic variety. The former is calculated to extract information fromrepparttar 126127 tortured or to punish them. It is measured, impersonal, efficient, and disinterested.

The latter –repparttar 126128 sadistic variety – fulfilsrepparttar 126129 emotional needs ofrepparttar 126130 perpetrator.

People who find themselves caught up in anomic states – for instance, soldiers in war or incarcerated inmates – tend to feel helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control. They have been rendered vulnerable, powerless, and defenseless by events and circumstances beyond their influence.

Torture amounts to exerting an absolute and all-pervasive domination ofrepparttar 126131 victim's existence. It is a coping strategy employed by torturers who wish to reassert control over their lives and, thus, to re-establish their mastery and superiority. By subjugatingrepparttar 126132 tortured – they regain their self-confidence and regulate their sense of self-worth.

Other tormentors channel their negative emotions – pent up aggression, humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred – and displace them. The victim becomes a symbol of everything that's wrong inrepparttar 126133 torturer's life andrepparttar 126134 situation he finds himself caught in. The act of torture amounts to misplaced and violent venting.

Many perpetrate heinous acts out of a wish to conform. Torturing others is their way of demonstrating obsequious obeisance to authority, group affiliation, colleagueship, and adherence torepparttar 126135 same ethical code of conduct and common values. They bask inrepparttar 126136 praise that is heaped on them by their superiors, fellow workers, associates, team mates, or collaborators. Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral, or legal considerations.

Many offenders derive pleasure and satisfaction from sadistic acts of humiliation. To these, inflicting pain is fun. They lack empathy and so their victim's agonized reactions are merely cause for much hilarity.

Moreover, sadism is rooted in deviant sexuality. The torture inflicted by sadists is bound to involve perverted sex (rape, homosexual rape, voyeurism, exhibitionism, pedophilia, fetishism, and other paraphilias). Aberrant sex, unlimited power, excruciating pain – these arerepparttar 126137 intoxicating ingredients ofrepparttar 126138 sadistic variant of torture.

Still, torture rarely occurs where it does not haverepparttar 126139 sanction and blessing ofrepparttar 126140 authorities, whether local or national. A permissive environment is sine qua non. The more abnormalrepparttar 126141 circumstances,repparttar 126142 less normativerepparttar 126143 milieu,repparttar 126144 furtherrepparttar 126145 scene ofrepparttar 126146 crime is from public scrutiny –repparttar 126147 more is egregious torture likely to occur. This is especially true in totalitarian societies whererepparttar 126148 use of physical force to discipline or eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice.

Sam Vaknin ( ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He is the the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

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