Ten Ways To Make Peace With The Past And Create A New Future

Written by Suzanne Gold

Continued from page 1

Tellrepparttar truth. Be kind. A little goes a long way. Speak carefully. Emphasizerepparttar 126074 positive. Say good things, especially to yourself. Be aware of your effect on others. Don't assume you're being understood—check it out. When you realize you've made a mistake, apologize, face to face if possible so you can lookrepparttar 126075 other person inrepparttar 126076 eye. Don't interrupt. Don't give advice unless you're asked. Don't gossip. It wastes time you could be using to empower yourself. Choose your battles. If someone gets angry at you, stop doing whatever triggers them no matter how right you think you are, until you can find a better way to communicate. Why make yourself a target? Know when to shut up or decline to answer. Watch what you listen to. Don't dismiss different points of view. Pay attention not only to what someone says—try to understand why they're saying it. Don't put up with disrespect, manipulation or negative thinking from anyone, including yourself.

6. DON'T KEEP SCORE Setting your own standards

Life isn't about success or failure. Although both teach valuable lessons, fulfilling your potential isrepparttar 126077 essential goal. Adversity can develop strength. If a dream sours, let it go without judgment or remorse. Assume it's no longer relevant, and look for new options. Even a losing battle can be a stepping-stone to a better situation. Accepting change brings peace of mind.

7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS Every situation brings exactly what you need to wake up

Relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. Allrepparttar 126078 pieces fit together to createrepparttar 126079 whole. You are not responsible for anyone else, nor are they for you. There's no guilt, no blame, no shame. Allow things to be as they are. Accept each moment as if you'd chosen it. If someone hurts you, look for what you can learn from it. Holding a grudge drains your energy. Forgiveness doesn't mean it was okay with you; it means releasingrepparttar 126080 person's power to upset you. You may never forget, but letting go of resentment is more productive. This goes double for forgiving yourself.


Make time to have fun and enjoy life. Take walks in nature. Spend time alone. Exercise, rest and eat when you need to, and drink lots of water. Something as simple as a warm bath or good stretch can do wonders in improving your perspective. Laugh. Let yourself dream your fondest dreams. Celebrate your successes, big and small. Meditation calms your conscious thinking mind, and helps you access your inner wisdom. Counting your breaths isrepparttar 126081 basic form, or you can silently repeat a soothing word or phrase like "peace" or "well-being." When your mind wanders, and it will, just bring your focus back and start over. Even ten minutes a day can make a difference.

9. GET OUTSIDE HELP See beyond your blind spots

Get counseling. It helps to talk about your feelings, no matter how embarrassing, strange or awful they seem to you. Find someone you trust and feel compatible with, and be willing to pour your heart out. An objective outsider can clear up confusion and help you set your creative energy free. Examine both sides of any issue. Don't follow advice blindly, but do explore ideas that make sense to you to see what happens. Join a group of people with similar interests or circumstances to yours. Try art, sports, music, or dance for fun and/or therapy. Read self-help books. Most have at least some helpful nuggets, and can reassure you that you're not alone. Don't expect The Answer, but serve yourself a variety of ideas to take or leave as you like.

10. MOVE ON Graduate to living fully

Respect your own boundaries. Your first commitment should be to yourself and to learning as much as possible from what happens to you. Only when you're at peace with yourself can you make a real contribution to anyone. Live your own truth, be honorable, and intendrepparttar 126082 best for everyone, including yourself. Trying to change someone is futile, no matter how much you care, or how badly you think they need it. You have no control over what anyone else feels or thinks. Do what you can, and do your best, but not at your own expense. Working things through can be healing when there's mutual respect, but if you feel hopeless, scapegoated, threatened or frantic, retreat may berepparttar 126083 only appropriate choice, at least forrepparttar 126084 moment. It could be as basic as leavingrepparttar 126085 room briefly, or as extreme as endingrepparttar 126086 relationship or moving away. But be open torepparttar 126087 possibility thatrepparttar 126088 "problem" person may surprise you. Your changes alterrepparttar 126089 context ofrepparttar 126090 relationship, so eventually they may come to treat you differently. If so, you may want to renewrepparttar 126091 relationship, but don't rush into it until you're confident that things have changed. To leave your mark on future generations, pass along what you learn.

I wish you healing, faith andrepparttar 126092 courage to make your dreams come true.

You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as it is kept intact, includingrepparttar 126093 brief bio, website information, and this copyright line: (c)2005 Suzanne Gold. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.

Suzanne Gold (MA, Psychology), "The Family Fixer," (Pacific Sun) is a life counselor, spiritual coach, teacher, and author of Daddy's Girls, Gold Medal winner in ForeWord Magazine's Book of the Year Awards. Suzanne teaches workshops, college seminars, and in private practice. For more information, go to http://www.SuzanneGold.com or email Suzanne@SuzanneGold.com

Can You be an Optimistic Realist?

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, Life & EQ Coach

Continued from page 1

If you’re plagued byrepparttar suffering of terrorism and tsunamis, for instance, set aside a time to figure out what YOU can do about them. You will quickly realizerepparttar 126073 dilemma of world leaders who actually have to do this on a grand scale; but you will also find small things you can do in your own world to address these ills. Call your local Red Cross. They’ve been waiting for your call. IN THE MEANTIME, keep your own life going in a positive direction, with optimism. If you’re determined that you can’t be happy until allrepparttar 126074 ills ofrepparttar 126075 world have been addressed, you’ll be a long time waiting. You will also fail to address what you can address, because of lamenting over larger things which basically are beyond your control.

If you want to turn around your attitude, turn your face in another direction. To focus on what’s right about things doesn’t mean you don’t KNOW what things are wrong, or how wrong they are. It means you’re making a choice about your own portion ofrepparttar 126076 world, your responsibility in it, and your outlook.

Does it help “the world” if you go on a tirade first thing inrepparttar 126077 morning and dump all your frustration on your spouse? Of course not. Remember you and your spouse are also a part of “the world.”

From an objective position,repparttar 126078 young man mentioned above has a good job, a nice home, plenty of food, clothing and necessities, and a lovely wife who was cheerful, lovely, and dressed to go to her job forrepparttar 126079 day. That’s a scene halfrepparttar 126080 people in this will never have.

Optimism means, inrepparttar 126081 words of Faulkner, not “slayingrepparttar 126082 real forrepparttar 126083 unreal.” The moment this young man had was real, and it was good. Then he got into his own head and dragged up allrepparttar 126084 reasons he could think of to be unhappy; reasons which exist and are available to all of us, but so isrepparttar 126085 contentment ofrepparttar 126086 immediate reality.

It’s almost like he takes pride in being able to figure out there are ills inrepparttar 126087 world, as if he were only one who knew this and were concerned about it.

For an example of what your self-talk does to you, consider this scenario. Let’s say Fred is feeling low. He thinks his life is impossible; it containsrepparttar 126088 usual array of hard work, too much stress, arguments with his wife and kids, a puppy that won’t get house-broken, and a home plumbing system that keeps backing up.

However, his job, wife and kids are all within “the normal range.” He walks outside and has a chat with his neighbor. The neighbor has a 23 year old son who is schizophrenic and lives with him and his wife. They are retired, living on a limited income, and suffering health problems. Most of us would say, “There but forrepparttar 126089 grace of God go I,” and go back inside with a prayer forrepparttar 126090 neighbor, but a sense of gratitude for our own set of problems, which is much smaller and somehow seems, now, more manageable.

Fred,repparttar 126091 pessimist, however, goes back inside feeling lower than ever, having decided that ifrepparttar 126092 world is that awful, why try at all.

Pessimism has its roots in our beliefs, which feed into our expectations. If a perfect world is one of your beliefs, orrepparttar 126093 feeling that you can’t be happy until you live in a perfect world, why not take it out and have another look. Write down your core beliefs and then go over them with optimism and pessimism in mind.

Now, in Spanish there are two “to be” verbs. One, ser, means a permanent state, such as, I am a woman. Soy mujer. The other is for temporary states, such as, I am furious. Estoy enojada. English doesn’t make this distinction by means of different verbs, but I will close this using “be” inrepparttar 126094 ‘state’ sense, not ‘trait’ sense: You can be pessimistic [trait] and still survive. We all know people who are and do. But it may be necessary to be optimistic [state] if you want to thrive.

Learn about optimism and have it available. Be able to change your self-talk and attitude. This flexibility will develop your emotional intelligence, and inrepparttar 126095 long run,repparttar 126096 happiness you save may be your own.

©Susan Dunn, MA, Life & EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professional development. I train and certify EQ coaches. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

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