7. Write out a list of conversation-closers; that is when it’s getting sticky or worn out, or you simply want to exit-stage-left.

It’s courteous to end with acknowledgement of other person and pleasure of contact, whatever else you say beforehand.

· “Well, I certainly have enjoyed talking with you. We'll have to get together some time.” (This means absolutely nothing. They’ll say “Yes let’s do” and you can leave.) · Extend your hand and say “It was a pleasure meeting you.” Follow whatever their reply is, generally with smiles, nods, agreement. · “Well, I guess I’ll go check out buffet. I heard Cassata alla Siciliana is delicious. Do you mind?” (Doesn't matter what they say ... this is ritual.) · “Will you excuse me please?" with a slight nod of head. · “I think I’d better go find out what my husband/wife is up to.” · “I think I’ll go see if Mary needs some help in kitchen.” · “Time to go powder my nose. Do you know where ladies’ room is?” · “I just saw my old piano teacher over there. I hope you won’t mind. I haven’t seen her in years.” · “Oh, please excuse me. I’ve got to get this ____ off my hands.”

8. Learn some of those grand old “civilities” and “fillers.”

These are things like:

· “I hope you won’t mind if” · “Please excuse me” · “The pleasure is all mine” · “I must tear myself away now” · “I’m sooo glad…” · “It’s just been wonderful seeing you again” · “What a treat to find YOU here.” · "What an honor it’s been to talk with you." · “Giovanni Alifano. I’ve heard so much about you! All of it good of course." . "At last we meet!"

Use people’s names; it’s perceived as an indication of self-confidence. Smile and nod. Breathe deeply.

If you’re at a loss, repeat back what person said for clarification, but change it enough so they know you were listening, i.e., “Did you say you were from Southern California? I missed that … band, you know.”

9. Think it through before you walk in. Compose yourself.

You don’t want to charge into a room (which you’re likely to do if you’re nervous) and find yourself where you don’t want to be.

Enter slowly if you can, and take it all in. You can pretend to be looking for a place to put your coat, or become fascinated with a painting on wall.

Take temperature in room. Notice [noise] level of conversation; how people are standing; whether they’re uni-sexed or mixed groups; how much touching is going on (Shaking hands? Hugging?) If it’s business-oriented, notice if it’s segregated into management v. non-management. Whatever you observe, do same.

10. Manage your voice and your hands if you're nervous.

Hold a glass of water and take small sips. Don’t try to juggle both food and drink. For heaven’s sake stay sober! If your voice is shaky, don’t say much. Occasionally wipe your hands on pocket, pants or napkin if your palms are sweaty. Excuse yourself and go to restroom and splash cold water on your face.

The next get-together you attend, be mindful about conversation process. It’s really quite predictable. In fact at our family gatherings, we play a game where we write down predictions of phrases that will be said, and whenever one of guests says one of them, they get a prize. (Things like “wasn’t traffic awful?” and “have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?” and “oh, he looks so much like you" or "shaken not stirred.") If you have a bad experience, keep in mind that it takes two to tango. If you should end up with another conversationally-challenged person, heaven help you, but at least you’ll know it wasn’t your fault!

Many of us were raised to be self-critical and have to learn how to love ourselves. The goal is to be able to be both self-aware and self-loving. While trying to get to that point, there's bound to be a transition period. During that time, while taking inventory of ourselves we need to make a conscious effort to remain detached and logical. Pretend that you are Spock from Star Trek. Do not attach any emotion whatsoever to various lists of positive and negative traits. They simply exist. They are what they are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is no need to judge them good or evil. Make an effort to logically analyze what is serving you and what is not. Then make an informed decision as to what kinds of changes you think might be of benefit to your future hopes and dreams. Eventually, detachment can be shifted towards having a loving emotion towards ourselves during process. But for starters, a detached evaluation will still serve purpose of getting you moving along towards a better future without pain and heartache caused by being critical and mean to yourself just for being human.

The only thing worse than ripping yourself apart with cruel self-thoughts, is to pretend that nothing is wrong and to continue moving through your life repeating same bad experiences over and over while never learning from them. Self-growth, self-help, self-empowerment, self-esteem, self-love all root from ability to be self-aware without judgment. As long as we hide from ourselves and don't face our flaws head on, then we are making a choice to live an unfulfilling, unenlightened life. Don't take teachings about loving yourself just way you are to mean that you can't improve upon your chances at happiness by making some internal adjustments. When you love something, you nurture it, protect it, help it to grow and thrive. The same should be true with self-love.

In being honest with ourselves regarding who and what we are, we can then begin making real choices that have a real impact on our future happiness. We can decide to make tiny adjustments or great big life changing alterations to ourselves. Avoiding taking a good long look at yourself will not make core of who you are and how you approach life get any better. The act of avoiding self-reflection in and of itself implies that you really don't see yourself as beautiful and exactly where you need to be in life. Being self-critical will never lead you to see that you really are beautiful and exactly where you need to be. Being self-aware will help you see that it's true, you really are a beautiful soul just way you are and exactly where you are, but will also allow you to take control over where you will be heading next and who you will be when you get there.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge