What You Can Do Be a model of honest relations with others. Discuss with your child what honesty is and is not. Point out, for example, that being honest doesn't mean telling someone you think he looks ugly. Kindness goes along with honesty. Discuss fairness (chances are that your child will bring it up) in different situations. For example, how do we show fairness in our family?

What does fairness mean to community? What were standards of fairness in past? Talk about how you try to be fair in your life and work. What issues of justice have you wrestled with? Your adolescent will be particularly interested in talking with you about these things.

It took three years before anyone in her family started to treat Angie with any sense of respect. It took three years before they accepted that they could no longer treat her badly if they wanted a relationship with her. Presently, Angie has a much better relationship with her family. While they will never have deep caring and compassion for her that she has for them, they no longer expect her to take responsibility for their feelings and needs, and they no longer blame her for problems that arise.

The question of disengaging from one’s family, or from a particular member of family, often comes up in my counseling work with individuals and couples. Many people have been taught that it is wrong to pull away from one’s family – that one should keep family unit intact at all costs. Many people have been taught that it is loving to sacrifice themselves for their family, and selfish to take care of themselves.

The problem with these beliefs is that it gives a person, who is being blamed and disrespected by their family, no way out. Many of people I work with, who have problems with their families, know that they would never allow a stranger to treat them way their family treats them. Yet they feel afraid if they think about speaking up for themselves, and guilty if they think about disengaging from an emotionally abusive family relationship.

Sometimes most loving act, both for oneself and for others, is to disengage from an abusive relationship. It is not loving to ourselves to allow ourselves to be treated disrespectfully, and it is not loving to others to allow them to treat us disrespectfully. Angie’s whole family is much better off today than before she disengaged, even though they were furious at her for it. Angie was actually being very loving to them by expecting them to treat her with caring and respect.