F: Fadoodle, Fall Guy, Fair Game, Far Out, Fathead, Fizgig, Flake, Fleak, Featherbrained, Feather-Head, Flake, Flapdoodle, Flop, Flounderer, Fluke, Fly-Catcher, Flop, Fonkin, Fopdoodle, Four-oh-Four, Fruitcake, Fruit Loop, Fumbler

G: Gabes, Gadabout, Gadwall, Gaffer, Galoot, “Gates are Down, Lights are Flashing, but Train Isn’t Coming”, Gawkhead, Gawny, Gerbil, Giddy Goat, Giddyhead, Glom, Goob, Goober, Goof, Goofball, Goof-Off, Goof-Up, Gooby, Googie, Goombah, Goomer, Goonie, Goonie Bird, Goon Head, Goopy, Gooseberry, Goose Cap, Gourd, Groutnoll, Grunt, Guddha, Gudgeon, Guffin, Guffoon, Guffy, Gull, Gumby, Gummy, Gump

H: Half-Ass, Half-Bake, Half-Wit, Harebrained, Hasher, Hayseed, Hick, Hobnail, Hobby Horse, Ho-Daddy, Hoddy-Doddy, Hoddypeak, Hood Ornament, Horrid Horn, Horse’s Arse, Hubble-Bubble Fellow, Humbler, Humpty-Dumpty, Hunk, Hussy

I: Idiot, Ignoramus, Imbecile, Innocent

J: Jabberknowl, Jack-a-Lent, Jackanapes, Jackass, Jarhead, Jerk, Jerkhead, Jester, Jibbernoll, Jingle Brains, Jobbard, Jobbernowl, Jock, Joker, Jolthead, Joltherhead, Juice Head, Jumping Jack

K: Kafkaesque, Klutz, Knobber, Knucklehead, Kook

L: Lame, Lamebrain, Laughingstock, Lights On But Nobody’s Home, Lightweight, Liripoop, Liricomtwang, Lob Cock, Log, Looby, Loon, Looney/ie/y, Looney/ie Tune, Lunie/y, Loose Screw, Loser, Low-Brow, Lubber, Lug Nut, Lummox, Lumpkin, Lunchbucket, Lunk, Lunkhead

M: Mad Hatter, Marplot, Martian, Meatball, Meathead, Melon, Melonhead, Mental Giant, Mental Midget, Mess, Mismanager, Missing Link, Mobard, Mooncalf, Moonshiner, Moony, Mopstick, Moron, Mouth-Breather, Mudcat, Mudding-Face, Muddler, Muddle-headed, Muff, Muffer, Muffin, Mundivagant, Muppet, Murphy, Musher, Mushroom, Mutt, Mutton-Head,

N: Ned Fool, Neddy, Nerd, Nerk, Newt, Nick-Ninny, Niffy-Naffy Fellow, Nigit, Nigmenog, Nimrod, Nincompoop, Ninny, Ninnyhammer, Nit, Nitwit, Nob, Nocky Boy, Nod Cock, Noddipol, Noddy, Noddy Pate, Non Compos Mentis, Noodle, Noodlebrain, Noodlehead, Noodnick/Nudnick, Not-All-There, Not-With-It, Nugget, Numbnuts, Numbskull, Numbwit, Nutbar, Nut Case, Nuts, Nutso, Nutty

O: Oaf, Oddball, Odd Fish, “Off One’s Trolley or Rocker”, Oolfoo, Onionhead, Out-To-Lunch

P: Paper Skull, Pig Widgin, Pillock, Pinhead, Pintail, Pipsqueak, Pixilated, Plodder, Plump-Pate, Poggle, Pointy-Head, Poop, Poop Noddy, Poor Fish, Potato-Head, Powder-Puff, Prawn-Head, Prat, Prick, Pronk, Puggly, “Pull a Boner”, Pumpkin Head, Push-Over

Q: Queer Bird, Queer Fish, Quince

R: Rabbit, Rattlehead, Rockhead, Rube, Rustic

S: Sap, Sap-Pate, Sawney, Scatterbrained, Schlemiel, Schlepper, Schmuck, Schnook, Screwball, Screw Up, Screwy, Shallow Pate, Short Stop, Shot Clog, Silly Willy, Simp, Simpkin, Simple Simon, Simpleminded, Simpleton, Slow-on-the-Uptake, Smerf, Sockhead, Sophead, Spoiler, Square Brain, Stooge, Stoop, Stupe, Stupid as an Ox, Sucker

T: Teabag, Thickhead, Thickskulled, Thick-witted, Tirliry-Puffkin, Toady, Tom Doodle, Tomfool, Tom-Farthing, Torpid, Turkey, Twerp, Twillip, Twit, Twizzle Stick, Two Left Feet

U: Unconnected, Under-Achiever

V: Vortex of Vacuousness, Vapid Vixen, Vegetater, Vestigial Remnant, Vulgarian

W: Wacky, Wall-Hugger, Wally, Was-Bird, Wash-Out, Weener, Weenie, Weeny, Weeney, Whack-a-doo, Whack Job, Whaco, Whiffet, Whifflegig, Whifflling, Wipe-Out, Wiener, Wienie, Wierdie, Wierdo, Wierdy, Windbag, Wind Sock, Wind-Sucker, Wingnut, Wiseacre, Whoop-Dee-Doer, Witless, Witling, Womble, Woodcock, Wooly Crown

Y: Yahoo, Yap, Yard Bird, Yawner, Yawper, Yapper, Yea and Nay Man, Yisser, Yob, Yobbo, Yokel, Yoo-Hoo, Yo-Yo

Z: Zany, Zelda, Zero, Zilch, Zip, Zipalid, Zipperhead, Zipperlid, Zombie, Zuggers, Zwodder

* * *

Someone escorts me to set, because, did I mention, you can hardly see anything from inside bunnyhead. The whole outfit is like a man on moon spacesuit, on which big, clear face bubble has been spray painted almost completely over by mischievous aliens. You can see straight ahead through two big eyeholes, but there’s a sort of black fog over everything because you’re looking through mesh. There’s a surreal quality to it, children waving, bunny smiling, as volcanic ash slowly falls from Mount St. Helens. Later. At set. Waving, dancing, holding onto lapels of your tiny Easter bunny vest, playing ‘peek a boo, blowing kisses, more waving, lots of waving. And some kids are happy and some are scared, some stunned at weirdness of it all. When you sit in bunny suit, your hard little bunny tail will wedge itself uncomfortably up your butt. So if you notice your Easter bunny adjusting his tail before he sits, you know why. There’s a little fan low to ground, blowing sweet air up, and if you angle it just right breeze flows in crack at your neck, and cools you down. Still later. I realize it’s only kids here, kids as customers, kids in charge. So I start to push envelope. Making bunny gang signs at kids too old and tough to sit on my lap. Saluting security guards, clapping when pretty girls walk by, making curvy hourglass figure with my hands, imitating people on cell phones, one furry hand clapped to my big ear, other hand gesticulating wildly. Peek-a-boo, that’s my specialty. I love to play peek-a-boo with adults. No one likes it, they all walk away fast. The job is fun, kids are cute, pictures are good if we can get them to look at camera. The quintessential moment comes when I am doing something stupid, dancing, or just lolling my big fat head around, sweating profusely. I stop, I see... a movie poster. Viggo Mortensen is wielding a shiny sword, his hair blows in wild wind. He looks out proudly at a billion people who know his face, his name. That is highest height of being an actor. And this, a faceless, sweaty clown in a bunny suit, is lowest low. But I am strangely happy. As my shift ends, and I am escorted to ‘secret room’ to change out of my bunny suit, some kid asks me ‘are you somebody famous under there? “ I put a finger over my bunny lips and disappear behind hidden door.