Written by Aphrodite Beamish

Continued from page 1

4. Check out your nearest hunting and fishing club (that’srepparttar only place to play with big boys’ toys or swap big whoppers withrepparttar 148909 best bareback bull-riders or feisty fly-catchers in town!)

5. Visit a shoe-store and pick outrepparttar 148910 best pair of glass slippers you can lay your eyes on (if they don’t have any in stock, ask who makesrepparttar 148911 best brand …because you need to replacerepparttar 148912 pair of steel-toed stilettos you misplaced atrepparttar 148913 last ball you attended if you recall!)

6. Put on your dancing duds, turn downrepparttar 148914 lights, and crank uprepparttar 148915 mood music (listen up there “Goody-Two-Shoes” …how can you meet Mr. Right unless your neighbors know you’re one very potent party-animal who simply adoresrepparttar 148916 dog-trot,repparttar 148917 dog-paddle, or better yet …a daring dog-catcher!)

7. Sign up for some high-energy hoopla (you know …repparttar 148918 steamy, strut your stuff, svelte exercise programs such as private pole-dancing, strip-tease yoga, and winking for wimps!)

8. Learn to play golf (it’srepparttar 148919 only time you can talk about balls with great abandon, rent a cute-looking caddy forrepparttar 148920 day, a carry a long club without any questions asked, or just knockrepparttar 148921 socks offrepparttar 148922 other fellows in your foursome as one very spicy, sophisticated, sultry, swinger from Shady Lane!)

9. Practice your pillow-talking skills (by whispering sweet nothings into your bed-linens or singing saucy songs inrepparttar 148923 shower; that way you’ll constrain that crazy urge to canoodle and be ready to meet Prince Charming, disguised as a shoe clerk, who's eager you try on that little glass slipper silly!)

10. Memorize some provacative parlour pick-up lines (like “Okay, if I shake MY Booty, then will you come out and play?” “Granny Smith doesn’t live here …but if you’re Johnny Appleseed …I’ll show a you good time in my Garden of Eden”, “Keep ringing my chimes like that and I’ll have to callrepparttar 148924 Big Bopper on you!”)

And if this doesn't work for you, take a hint from one wisewoman with a wishbone -- run out and joinrepparttar 148925 circus. After all, who wouldnt want a couple of "boisterous broads" to liven uprepparttar 148926 greatest sideshow on earth!

Aphrodite Beamish, a sexagenarian siren with a penchant for candy kisses, pink girdles, and black fishnet stockings (among other delightful diversions denied to most glee-oriented, glad-handing gorgeous gadflies) can usually be found lollgagging about in her chaise longue in the Court of The Quipping Queen with a lot of other quirky quidnuncs. (Visit for more details).

A moron's account of 4th grade.

Written by greggb

Continued from page 1

I went to school very sad because I did not want to go to pyromaniac school, and me and Mike had important plans to do that weekend. I told Mike that I could not go to his house, and he was sad because we could not do our plans. I went home after school that day and I was feeling very sad and my mom told me I could go to Mike’s house after all, so I went to Mike’s house. Also my parents did not send me to pyromaniac school after all.

Mike and I were going to dig a hole at his house, we had planned it for a long time and we had Cory who was a smart 4rth grader draw up blue plans for our hole. The only thing was that we did not no where we was going to dig it, it had to be a secret place. Mike said that he knewrepparttar perfect place accept he could not tell me till morning whererepparttar 148685 secret spot was.

Inrepparttar 148686 morning Mike said “we’re going to digrepparttar 148687 hole inrepparttar 148688 chicken house,repparttar 148689 ground is soft and no one can see us digging”.

I said “But what about when your mom gets eggs?” and Mike said not to worry about that because he had planned that out to.

Mike and I got shovels and picks and went inrepparttar 148690 chicken house and started digging our hole, just like Cory’s blue plans said to. The ground was soft andrepparttar 148691 digging was easy and it was not long beforerepparttar 148692 whole was as tall as us.

“Tierepparttar 148693 rope torepparttar 148694 bored over there so we can climb in and out” Mike told me. And I tookrepparttar 148695 rope and tied it torepparttar 148696 bored usingrepparttar 148697 best not I knowed and I throughrepparttar 148698 other end inrepparttar 148699 hole.

The digging was still easy and we was having to use a bucket to getrepparttar 148700 dirt out with. It was not long beforerepparttar 148701 hole was very deep, it was 12 feet deep I know because Mike’s dad measured it later on. Cory’s blue plans was for 200 feet deep, and Mike saidrepparttar 148702 we had 188 feet to go, accept our hole was starting to fill up with water. This maderepparttar 148703 digging tuff and also made us cold, since it was in winter.

Mike said “we better get out of this hole and think for a while” and he grabbedrepparttar 148704 rope accept when he grabbed it all fell right inrepparttar 148705 hole with us, evenrepparttar 148706 other end that was tied torepparttar 148707 bored.

“I do not understand!” I yelled. “I used my best not and it came untied. What are we going to do?” I asked. Mike looked very worried.

We tried climbing out ofrepparttar 148708 hole, I even tried jumping out ofrepparttar 148709 whole and it was no use. Mike tried standing on my shoulders but we still couldn’t get out ofrepparttar 148710 whole.

“The only thing that we can do now is wait for someone to come out here” Mike said, and he looked sad like he was going to cry.

“Maybe we should try screaming for your mom” I said.

Mike said “we could try that butrepparttar 148711 house is a long ways from this chicken house and she is probably inrepparttar 148712 house listening to those tapes that say you’re an OK person so I don’t think she would hear us”.

But Mike and I tried screaming for his mom sense it was our only hope. We started both screaming together but Mike said that we needed to save our energy so we started taking turns screaming at Mike’s mom. Mike would scream “MOM! MOM! MOM!” as loud as he could, then I would scream “MIKES MOM! WE ARE IN A HOLE OUT IN THE CHICKEN HOUSE AND WE NEED YOU TO COME HELP US GET OUT!” as loud as I could scream. Accept no matter how much we screamed Mike’s mom never came to get us out ofrepparttar 148713 hole.

It was starting to get dark and me and Mike had been screaming for a long time and Mike looked very sad and said “There is no hope, we are never going to get out of here. They will come out here to get eggs and findrepparttar 148714 skeletons of two boys” and Mike looked very sad, and he had tears in his eye when he said this, and his lips was kind of curling up.

“I gotta go” I replied. And I did have to go, and not number one neither. I had to go really bad, except we was stuck inrepparttar 148715 hole. It always hits you atrepparttar 148716 worse time!

Then, likerepparttar 148717 voice of an angel we heardrepparttar 148718 screechy voice of Mike’s mom say “Mike! Mike! It is supper time, please come inrepparttar 148719 house!” Me and Mike started screaming, Mike was saying “MOM!” and I was just screaming I was so excited.

Then we heard Mike’s mom’s voice get closer and say “Mike, where are you?”

We both screamed “Inrepparttar 148720 chicken house!”

Then right away we heardrepparttar 148721 chicken house door open and Mike’s mom said “Is you boys playing tricks on me, because I don’t see you?”

“WE’RE IN THE GROUND!” I screamed as loud as I could, accept that wasn’t very loud because I was horse from allrepparttar 148722 screaming I did that day. Then Mike’s mom came over torepparttar 148723 hole and looked down upon us.

“What are you silly boys doing down there?” Mike’s mom asked us. Mike had a tear of joy he was so glad to see his mom.

I said “Could you please help us get out because I really gotta go”. Mike’s mom tiedrepparttar 148724 rope torepparttar 148725 bored, and I climbed out first since I had to go so bad. I ran torepparttar 148726 house as fast as I could run and when I got torepparttar 148727 house I did not have time to take my shoes off so I left muddy tracks all overrepparttar 148728 house, accept I did make it torepparttar 148729 bathroom in time.

Later on Mike’s dad yelled at us for digging a whole inrepparttar 148730 chicken house. Also Mike’s mom was not happy aboutrepparttar 148731 tracks inrepparttar 148732 house, but we lived and that wasrepparttar 148733 important thing.

A recovering moron.

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