4. Check out your nearest hunting and fishing club (that’s only place to play with big boys’ toys or swap big whoppers with best bareback bull-riders or feisty fly-catchers in town!)

5. Visit a shoe-store and pick out best pair of glass slippers you can lay your eyes on (if they don’t have any in stock, ask who makes best brand …because you need to replace pair of steel-toed stilettos you misplaced at last ball you attended if you recall!)

6. Put on your dancing duds, turn down lights, and crank up mood music (listen up there “Goody-Two-Shoes” …how can you meet Mr. Right unless your neighbors know you’re one very potent party-animal who simply adores dog-trot, dog-paddle, or better yet …a daring dog-catcher!)

7. Sign up for some high-energy hoopla (you know … steamy, strut your stuff, svelte exercise programs such as private pole-dancing, strip-tease yoga, and winking for wimps!)

8. Learn to play golf (it’s only time you can talk about balls with great abandon, rent a cute-looking caddy for day, a carry a long club without any questions asked, or just knock socks off other fellows in your foursome as one very spicy, sophisticated, sultry, swinger from Shady Lane!)

9. Practice your pillow-talking skills (by whispering sweet nothings into your bed-linens or singing saucy songs in shower; that way you’ll constrain that crazy urge to canoodle and be ready to meet Prince Charming, disguised as a shoe clerk, who's eager you try on that little glass slipper silly!)

10. Memorize some provacative parlour pick-up lines (like “Okay, if I shake MY Booty, then will you come out and play?” “Granny Smith doesn’t live here …but if you’re Johnny Appleseed …I’ll show a you good time in my Garden of Eden”, “Keep ringing my chimes like that and I’ll have to call Big Bopper on you!”)

And if this doesn't work for you, take a hint from one wisewoman with a wishbone -- run out and join circus. After all, who wouldnt want a couple of "boisterous broads" to liven up greatest sideshow on earth!

I went to school very sad because I did not want to go to pyromaniac school, and me and Mike had important plans to do that weekend. I told Mike that I could not go to his house, and he was sad because we could not do our plans. I went home after school that day and I was feeling very sad and my mom told me I could go to Mike’s house after all, so I went to Mike’s house. Also my parents did not send me to pyromaniac school after all.

Mike and I were going to dig a hole at his house, we had planned it for a long time and we had Cory who was a smart 4rth grader draw up blue plans for our hole. The only thing was that we did not no where we was going to dig it, it had to be a secret place. Mike said that he knew perfect place accept he could not tell me till morning where secret spot was.

In morning Mike said “we’re going to dig hole in chicken house, ground is soft and no one can see us digging”.

I said “But what about when your mom gets eggs?” and Mike said not to worry about that because he had planned that out to.

Mike and I got shovels and picks and went in chicken house and started digging our hole, just like Cory’s blue plans said to. The ground was soft and digging was easy and it was not long before whole was as tall as us.

“Tie rope to bored over there so we can climb in and out” Mike told me. And I took rope and tied it to bored using best not I knowed and I through other end in hole.

The digging was still easy and we was having to use a bucket to get dirt out with. It was not long before hole was very deep, it was 12 feet deep I know because Mike’s dad measured it later on. Cory’s blue plans was for 200 feet deep, and Mike said we had 188 feet to go, accept our hole was starting to fill up with water. This made digging tuff and also made us cold, since it was in winter.

Mike said “we better get out of this hole and think for a while” and he grabbed rope accept when he grabbed it all fell right in hole with us, even other end that was tied to bored.

“I do not understand!” I yelled. “I used my best not and it came untied. What are we going to do?” I asked. Mike looked very worried.

We tried climbing out of hole, I even tried jumping out of whole and it was no use. Mike tried standing on my shoulders but we still couldn’t get out of whole.

“The only thing that we can do now is wait for someone to come out here” Mike said, and he looked sad like he was going to cry.

“Maybe we should try screaming for your mom” I said.

Mike said “we could try that but house is a long ways from this chicken house and she is probably in house listening to those tapes that say you’re an OK person so I don’t think she would hear us”.

But Mike and I tried screaming for his mom sense it was our only hope. We started both screaming together but Mike said that we needed to save our energy so we started taking turns screaming at Mike’s mom. Mike would scream “MOM! MOM! MOM!” as loud as he could, then I would scream “MIKES MOM! WE ARE IN A HOLE OUT IN THE CHICKEN HOUSE AND WE NEED YOU TO COME HELP US GET OUT!” as loud as I could scream. Accept no matter how much we screamed Mike’s mom never came to get us out of hole.

It was starting to get dark and me and Mike had been screaming for a long time and Mike looked very sad and said “There is no hope, we are never going to get out of here. They will come out here to get eggs and find skeletons of two boys” and Mike looked very sad, and he had tears in his eye when he said this, and his lips was kind of curling up.

“I gotta go” I replied. And I did have to go, and not number one neither. I had to go really bad, except we was stuck in hole. It always hits you at worse time!

Then, like voice of an angel we heard screechy voice of Mike’s mom say “Mike! Mike! It is supper time, please come in house!” Me and Mike started screaming, Mike was saying “MOM!” and I was just screaming I was so excited.

Then we heard Mike’s mom’s voice get closer and say “Mike, where are you?”

We both screamed “In chicken house!”

Then right away we heard chicken house door open and Mike’s mom said “Is you boys playing tricks on me, because I don’t see you?”

“WE’RE IN THE GROUND!” I screamed as loud as I could, accept that wasn’t very loud because I was horse from all screaming I did that day. Then Mike’s mom came over to hole and looked down upon us.

“What are you silly boys doing down there?” Mike’s mom asked us. Mike had a tear of joy he was so glad to see his mom.

I said “Could you please help us get out because I really gotta go”. Mike’s mom tied rope to bored, and I climbed out first since I had to go so bad. I ran to house as fast as I could run and when I got to house I did not have time to take my shoes off so I left muddy tracks all over house, accept I did make it to bathroom in time.

Later on Mike’s dad yelled at us for digging a whole in chicken house. Also Mike’s mom was not happy about tracks in house, but we lived and that was important thing.