To avoid being zapped by alien airwaves, I recommend using "Semaphore". This low-tech communication method is a lot cheaper and more fun than a bag of juicy-fruit bubble-gum. After all, how many people do you know who carry around flags all day long, flap their arms, and look a tad miffed when cab-drivers interrupt their train of thought and terse text messages?

As for "laptops", they seem to languish about prominent places. Have you ever noticed how they invite unwanted attention from sticky-fingered sorts who can't wait to abscond with them when you're responding to call of nature? Then there curmudgeons like me who think it's a waste of time to invent something that helps nincompoops organize their recipes, play solitaire, or keep them busy looking for a non-existent mouse.

Being from “old school”, I was always taught that children should be seen and not heard. Now if only that credo would apply to all these modern communication tools, world would be an infinitely quieter place.

Just imagine a world without wireless windbags, wonky windows, or wicked weirdoes …where we would all be free to follow our bliss ...be it picking four-leaf clovers, drawing dorky droodles, coloring outside lines, or maybe even tickling someone pink for a change!

“No one sits behind me at theatres or ballgames if I can help it.”

This happens to be a learned quirk, and for good reason. I’ll never understand why people pay lots of money to go to a ballgame, only to sit there and yap all way through it. Worse yet, how many of y’all have shelled out for a movie, gotten to pivotal point in film, and heard a cell phone go off? And even worse than that, how many times has person making noise been sitting directly right behind you? Because of dopes like these I’ve learned to never let anyone sit behind me if I can help it, and if I can’t, I try to eat a couple of bowls of raisin bran right before I attend event.

“I read while I eat.”

Can’t help it, Ed Jr. used to read paper at table when I was growing up, so I mooched this quirk off him. Y’all can’t make fun of it ‘cause I had no choice, and y’all don’t really want to make fun of my dad, now do you?

“I don’t like doing stuff I don’t like.”

I don’t understand why this is even categorized as a quirk, to me it makes perfect sense, but I’m told by my spousal unit that it’s a huge quirk. “Edward, you can’t always do things you’d like to do.” Maybe one day I can make myself enjoy funerals for relatives I don’t even know, prom lead-outs, and watching other people’s home movies, but don’t hold your breath...

All of y’all should be primed up pretty good right now. You guys out there, y’all just put down paper, smile, and look over at your ladies and say, “You know, honey, I’ve always want to talk with you about why you go to bathroom so often.” And ladies, y’all just put down paper, smile, and look over at your man and say, “Snugglekins, why is it that you smell a tad musty even after you bathe?” That should get ball off and rollin‘....