Written by Theolonius McTavish

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To avoid being zapped by alien airwaves, I recommend using "Semaphore". This low-tech communication method is a lot cheaper and more fun than a bag of juicy-fruit bubble-gum. After all, how many people do you know who carry around flags all day long, flap their arms, and look a tad miffed when cab-drivers interrupt their train of thought and terse text messages?

As for "laptops", they seem to languish about prominent places. Have you ever noticed how they invite unwanted attention from sticky-fingered sorts who can't wait to abscond with them when you're responding torepparttar call of nature? Then there curmudgeons like me who think it's a waste of time to invent something that helps nincompoops organize their recipes, play solitaire, or keep them busy looking for a non-existent mouse.

Being fromrepparttar 137714 “old school”, I was always taught that children should be seen and not heard. Now if only that credo would apply to all these modern communication tools,repparttar 137715 world would be an infinitely quieter place.

Just imagine a world without wireless windbags, wonky windows, or wicked weirdoes …where we would all be free to follow our bliss it picking four-leaf clovers, drawing dorky droodles, coloring outsiderepparttar 137716 lines, or maybe even tickling someone pink for a change!

Theolonius McTavish is an analogue aardvark, amateur toe wrestler and frequent flying carpet cardholder not to mention an avid bystander at The Court of the Quipping Queen

Quirk Wars

Written by Ed Williams

Continued from page 1

“No one sits behind me at theatres or ballgames if I can help it.”

This happens to be a learned quirk, and for good reason. I’ll never understand why people pay lots of money to go to a ballgame, only to sit there and yap allrepparttar way through it. Worse yet, how many of y’all have shelled out for a movie, gotten torepparttar 137431 pivotal point inrepparttar 137432 film, and heard a cell phone go off? And even worse than that, how many times hasrepparttar 137433 person makingrepparttar 137434 noise been sitting directly right behind you? Because of dopes like these I’ve learned to never let anyone sit behind me if I can help it, and if I can’t, I try to eat a couple of bowls of raisin bran right before I attendrepparttar 137435 event.

“I read while I eat.”

Can’t help it, Ed Jr. used to readrepparttar 137436 paper atrepparttar 137437 table when I was growing up, so I mooched this quirk off him. Y’all can’t make fun of it ‘cause I had no choice, and y’all don’t really want to make fun of my dad, now do you?

“I don’t like doing stuff I don’t like.”

I don’t understand why this is even categorized as a quirk, to me it makes perfect sense, but I’m told by my spousal unit that it’s a huge quirk. “Edward, you can’t always dorepparttar 137438 things you’d like to do.” Maybe one day I can make myself enjoy funerals for relatives I don’t even know, prom lead-outs, and watching other people’s home movies, but don’t hold your breath...

All of y’all should be primed up pretty good right now. You guys out there, y’all just put downrepparttar 137439 paper, smile, and look over at your ladies and say, “You know, honey, I’ve always want to talk with you about why you go torepparttar 137440 bathroom so often.” And ladies, y’all just put downrepparttar 137441 paper, smile, and look over at your man and say, “Snugglekins, why is it that you smell a tad musty even after you bathe?” That should getrepparttar 137442 ball off and rollin‘....

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at:, or through his web site address at:

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