Continued from page 1
My sister-in-law came to me for advice in dealing with her 11 year-old daughter who has developed a lying habit, particularly around her school work. She tried everything. She had mentioned
universal law: “If you tell me truth, you won’t get into near as much trouble as if you lie to me”. My niece stuck to her story like glue. Then my sister-in-law began to take away extracurricular activities to hopefully impress upon my niece importance of her school work. All of this was common sense but what do you think happened to lying? It continued without impact.
When she came to me, I advised her to take away consequences for telling truth. She couldn’t believe what I was suggesting she do. Now, I was not saying that she and my niece wouldn’t have a conversation about whatever problem was. And I wasn’t saying that they wouldn’t make a plan for more effective behavior in future but there would be no consequence for telling truth. Even though it’s in beginning stages, my sister-in-law already reported improvement.
All she has to do now is remind my niece that there will no punishment if she tells truth, and my niece has been coming clean. The advantage to this is that you, parent, aren’t spending a lot of time attempting to “get to bottom of things”! You don’t have to play detective and go on a fact-finding mission. You get truth up front and then you know what it is that you really need to manage.
The advantage is that you can take a collaborative approach with your child on how to do it better next time. You can spend your time discussing what got in way of your child being successful and how can you, together, remove those obstacles. This is so much more relationship strengthening than trying to figure out who’s telling truth and who isn’t and then doling out appropriate punishment for lie. Wouldn’t you rather put an end to lying and get at real source of problem?
Try it and see if it helps. But don’t do it if you would prefer not knowing!
For more information on improving relationship between you and your child, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor and a life/relationship coach. She helps people unleash their personal power by living from the inside out, focusing their time and energy on only those things they can control. She also helps people improve the quality of their relationships with the important people in their lives.
