Spitting Feathers

Written by Chris P Bohn

Continued from page 1

A sinister development occurred inrepparttar summer of 1976 whenrepparttar 118256 previously easygoing insect fraternity became involved inrepparttar 118257 birds' campaign in mainland Britain. The flying insect lobby organised suicide missions, aiming (and maiming) themselves at car windscreens. Readers may remember seeing picketing by thousands of ladybirds during that notable hot summer, especially at seaside resorts, whererepparttar 118258 Seabird Federation was still in its infancy...

Cuckoos have been getting themselves a bad name in bird union circles for many years. And it appears to be thoroughly well deserved by all accounts. Cuckoos,repparttar 118259 pariahs ofrepparttar 118260 bird community, have been closely associated in many bird brains, withrepparttar 118261 human British Horological Institute, where they signed a deal to accept free indoor housing in exchange for agreeing to tellrepparttar 118262 time for their landlords every hour onrepparttar 118263 hour. Mainstream bird groups saw this as "selling out" and banned cuckoos from membership of several important bird institutions. Normally mild-mannered blackbirds started what became known asrepparttar 118264 "Every hour onrepparttar 118265 hour" campaign, which aimed to throw a cuckoo's egg out of a nest every hour ofrepparttar 118266 day. This was an extension ofrepparttar 118267 backlash against cuckoos which had originally begun in 1831 withrepparttar 118268 advent ofrepparttar 118269 campaign againstrepparttar 118270 Cuckoo Squatters Movement. The CSM itself had begun as a protest movement after cuckoos had been refused free crèche facilities by pigeons. This was unfair treatment againstrepparttar 118271 cuckoos, but few rememberrepparttar 118272 details nowadays; cuckoos were effectively sidelined from that day on, andrepparttar 118273 situation - and with it, cuckoos' reputation - has spiralled out of control ever since.

As a result of their previous unfair treatment by other birds, cuckoos have, since 2001, opted for devolution, allowing them to set their own agenda. Hopefully this will result in productive high-level talks which should eventually see an end torepparttar 118274 strike-breaking activities of cuckoos which has got them into even more trouble in more recent years.

But not all birds are members of unions. Mallard ducks, who make up a large proportion ofrepparttar 118275 waterborne Home Guard militia, have vowed never to jeopardiserepparttar 118276 security of our inland waterways by opting forrepparttar 118277 right to form unions and thus forrepparttar 118278 possibility of strike action. They have instead accepted a ten year pay and conditions package giving them sole rights on or within fifty metres of any body or stretch of water inrepparttar 118279 United Kingdom and any of its dependent territories. It is a little known fact that swans are part ofrepparttar 118280 Home Guard and may therefore class themselves as honorary ducks.

And that leaves us firstly with swallows, swifts and other summer visitors from warmer climes. As these are not strictly speaking domestic birds they are not subject torepparttar 118281 same rules as other birds, although international conventions do nevertheless apply.

And finally with budgerigars, canaries andrepparttar 118282 rest of our overcrowded prison population. Their case is complicated. Onrepparttar 118283 one hand some have been freed by NDBLA pigeons. But others are not convinced byrepparttar 118284 plight ofrepparttar 118285 budgies. As one cuckoo said, preferring to remain anonymous:

"They may be in long-term confinement, but they've all got colour TV's. And that's something a lot of us wouldn't mind swapping places for . . ."

Article writer, baking enthusiast, chaos magician, self-styled 'darkside philosopher' and joint owner of http://www.darchangels.com

Hitting The Fan

Written by Chris P Bohn

Continued from page 1

That's science for you, I guess.

My next experiment involved one ofrepparttar popular nineteenth century style ladies fans. Always striving after authenticity (or authentishitty?) in all things, I cautiously approachedrepparttar 118255 local amateur dramatics society which was happy to supply a victim. Sorry, that should be "volunteer". For health and hygiene reasonsrepparttar 118256 volunteer wore a full face motorcycle helmet and bikers leathers. The fan she held was twenty centimetres in height and described an arc of sixty degrees when fully opened. It was held at an angle of ninety degrees torepparttar 118257 ground and withrepparttar 118258 volunteer peeping demurely overrepparttar 118259 top just to make things more realistic.

For this experiment I had conscientiously prepared five "missiles" inrepparttar 118260 comfort of my own homerepparttar 118261 previous evening. The first one was launched from twenty feet away. The results were better than I could ever have anticipated. The fan went flying ,repparttar 118262 motorcycle helmet's visor crack'd from side to side andrepparttar 118263 volunteer was left sprawled in a heap onrepparttar 118264 stage.

After beating a hasty retreat I concluded thatrepparttar 118265 missiles had probably been baked for too long (one can never be too sure when using electric ovens) thus resulting in devastating ballistic qualities. Although my theatre season ticket has now been revoked I am hoping for a reply from NATO with a view to providing member countries with a regular supply of "missiles" inrepparttar 118266 event of future global conflicts.

I finally turned my attention to conducting tests with sports fans. Football fans might prove to be too much of a challenge, I decided. Dealing with irate office staff or theatre luvvies is one thing (actually it's two aren't they???) but being surrounded by lagered up soccer supporters could be a little less pleasant. Besides, if I timed it right I reckoned I could get a trip torepparttar 118267 Caribbean out of it. So, cricket fans it would be . . .

Footnote: The experiment went as well as could be expected, bearing in mind how well allrepparttar 118268 previous ones had gone. I am writing this from a hospital bed in whatrepparttar 118269 local police have advised me must remain an undisclosed location inrepparttar 118270 West Indies. I hope to be sufficiently recovered to be able to return home in a few weeks time. As forrepparttar 118271 results of my third and final experiment . . .

The missiles had to be fired very discreetly in order to avoid any repeat of previous problems. So I launched them from my seat inrepparttar 118272 cricket ground and watched to see what would happen. The batsman hitrepparttar 118273 first one and immediately on impact it disintegrated into mere dust. I suppose he must have thought he had hit a six because he started to run forrepparttar 118274 opposite wicket. However, this was whenrepparttar 118275 other team's fast bowler was just coming out. He seized his chance with both hands and promptly bowledrepparttar 118276 errant batsman out. The crowd went wild. . .

And as it turns out, turds ain't half as hard as cricket bats!!!

* Please note: this is not an officially recognised SI unit.

Chaos magician, baking enthusiast, self-styled 'darkside philosopher' writer and joint owner of http://www.darchangels.com

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