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Many of those divorced are saddened by loss of their marriage and angry about all that has happened. Yet, they still have warm memories about past and regrets about what might have been. The loneliness and depression you may feel following a divorce can wreak havoc on your mental state causing mixed emotions and an inability to make good choices.
Although sex with your ex may provide a temporary release, you must let go sexually as in other emotional ways in order to heal and grow. This won’t happen until you agree to stay out of each other’s beds. The old adage “it ain’t over until it’s over” truly applies.
In addition, a continued sexual connection with your ex can be very confusing for your children. Seeing their parents continue an intimate relationship can be very detrimental to their adjustment to divorce. Children need stability and seeing this kind of relationship confuses them. It creates a ragged boundary and it may fuel their fantasy that their parents will reconcile.
If you do find you want to get back together, your bed is probably not best place to work out your issues. If you are seriously considering trying again, reach out and get professional help to work out problems that caused you to divorce in first place.
If you are truly finished, stay alone in your own bed. You want to get it right next time round. You don’t want to kiss frog again. This time you really want a prince or princess.
Life is too hard to do alone,
Dorree Lynn, PH.D.
Portions of this column first appeared in an interview of DR.D in an article by Kelly Gamble in magazine Family Digest, Spring 2001.
Dr. Dorree Lynn is co-founder of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Psychotherapy and a practicing clinician in New York and Washington, DC. Dr. Lynn served on the executive board of the American Academy of Psychotherapists and she is on the editorial board of their publication, Voices. She is also a regular columnist for the Washington, DC newspaper, The Georgetowner. Dr. Lynn is a noted speaker and well known on the lecture circuit.