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CLARIFYING RESPONSIBILITY FOR REALITY
a. The other is to blame.
We are each responsible for reality we create within and around us. If we are not happy, it is because we are allowing our attachments, aversions, expectations and to obstruct our happiness.
A main problem in our relationships is that we often blame other when we are not happy or secure. When something goes wrong, we seek to pass blame because we find it difficult to accept our own mistakes and weaknesses.
We also expect other to fill our emptiness in ways that he or she cannot. The other cannot create our happiness, security or feelings of self-worth. When we do not get what we need from other, we feel hurt and angry, and usually resort to blaming other.
Because of this, we can get locked into power games, in which each tries to control, change and correct other, neither wanting to be corrected. A bitter battle of wills ensues which defies real, sincere communication, as each blames without listening to what other is saying.
If we expect that other is going to supply what we are missing in ourselves, we are in for an unpleasant surprise. We must take responsibility for our health, happiness, harmony, fulfillment and general state of affairs in our lives. The key to finding happiness and harmony we seek is to stop trying to change others and change ourselves from within.
b. I am to blame...
The opposite side to this belief system is that we are responsible for others. If they are not happy, healthy, successful, and most of all, not satisfied with us, we feel we are to blame. We feel we have failed in role of love partner, child, parent or sibling, and are susceptible to feelings of self-rejection, guilt and shame.
When we feel this way, we often turn on others and blame them for not doing what they should have done to be healthy, happy, successful, so that we can feel okay in our role of "being responsible for their reality."
The responsibility problem has two sides: "They are responsible for my reality" and "I am responsible for their reality." Both are illusions that lead to conflicts and unhappiness. We will dedicate another article to this matter.
This article will be continued in two more parts, which will cover following aspects of creating a conscious love relationship: Communication Common Activities Keep Learning and Growing Spiritual Activities Distinguish Between Other and His Behavior. See Other as Your Teacher. Keeping Promises Unconditional Love Reaching Out Beyond Relationship Develop Your Own Relationship with Divine.
(Adapted from forthcoming "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy. His book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is available at http://www.amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.
Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books, which have sold over 100,000 copies. He is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Greece with 3700 members. His book The Psychology of Happiness; ISBN 0-9710116-0-5 is available at www.amazon.com and http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. where you can view and download FREE articles and e-books.