BE IMMEDIATE

Let no grass grow under your feet. As soon as you have calmed down or thought better of your words, go to other person and acknowledge what's going on. Take responsibility for your part in interaction. Don't let this fester or spread.

Different people react differently to pain and stress. Some will internalize it and make themselves very uncomfortable, even unwell. Others will spread it around. This is virus.

As soon as you can--as soon as your blood pressure is back to normal, your vision improves and blood has returned to your centers of reason and logic--take responsibility for what you have done or said. CAUTION: At this point, there is a tendency to degenerate into sentences involving word 'You'. This is not time for that. Speak only about yourself and your feelings. This takes practice.

Why be immediate? Because pain swells things. You've noticed that. You need to put ice on situation right away. It's that simple.

BE POSITIVE

When folks are upset, there is a tendency to talk about what you don't want, won't put up with and cannot stand any longer. Sure, that releases your frustration, however, it does not move situation forward.

Talk about what you do want, what will help and what can smooth way for a better working relationship. Be positive. Assuring folks that you want things to work is far better than screaming about what isn't working!

You don't have to put on a 'Pollyanna' approach to be positive. It is a simple flip of mind-set. Switch from past to future. "Let's do it this way!" is much easier to hear than "I hate it when you _____!", isn't it? Quick rule of thumb: Before you open your mouth, run words you are about to say through your mind. Would you be able to hear it well? Would it help move situation to resolution? If answer is "no", you've got time to change your words. If answer is 'yes', then proceed with assurance that you are working to create best consequences.

Any young duck can cruise through pond knocking folks down. Smoothing ruffled feathers takes maturity, intelligence and willingness. Don't be a dumb duck. Learn to calm waters and only create ripples that get you where you want to go!

Here’s an example: Mary wants to talk to John about her discomfort when he regularly leaves lid off toothpaste. She tells him that it really bothers her and, although she knows it is her issue, she would like his help with it.

His choices: A. “Oh, I didn’t know it bothered you that much. I love you and I will be happy to put lid on toothpaste.” (This man is a paragon of virtue ready for sainthood!)

B. “Oh, tell me more about that because I don’t understand it at all.” (He has some communication skills.)

C. “Oh, there you go again. You always have something to complain about. You’re just like your mother. (Oops, we’re soon likely to forget that issue is lid on toothpaste!)

D. “Get over it! Get a life! or Give it up, _____!” ( We are certainly not going to solve ‘lid on toothpaste’ issue in near future.)

Now we can have " ten-for-the-price-of-one" conversations. The issue will come up again and again and become an ongoing example of Mary’s unreasonableness every time John wants to end a conversation. Recognize this? It’s common.

Try this. Stop and take a breath before you say those fated words that you really know may take you into a "10-for-1" conversation. Be curious. Ask for more information. Truly listen and intend to learn something about other person. This has a way of changing relationships for better. Here’s to Albert’s formula for success!