Written by Theolonius McTavish

Continued from page 1

16. If it’s true that Santa is magical then why does Christmas Eve take so long?

Santa didn’t invent grandfather clocks, glow-in-the-dark watches, or other bleeping gadgets and gizmos. If you want to complain, I suggest you contactrepparttar old coot in charge, “Father Time”.

17. Where does Santa hide his claws?

Just because he wears a red and white outfit doesn’t make him an “Abominable Person of Snow”. Besides, Santa doesn't need to scratch anyone’s back for a handout.

18. Why are Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?

It all started with a few disgruntled Tarot card readers complaining about not being included inrepparttar 118122 Christmas story. So,repparttar 118123 United Nations stepped in to stop allrepparttar 118124 whining and snivelling which was getting out of hand, (especially a campaign launched byrepparttar 118125 Society of Plus-Sized People who wanted to replace Santa Claus withrepparttar 118126 Jolly Green Giant asrepparttar 118127 symbol of rampant consumer spending, healthy lifestyle choices, and more free giveaways). Anyway, to make a long story short, a referendum was held and peoplerepparttar 118128 world over voted in favor of retaining Santa Claus, (dressed in his well-worn red and white suit), as star ofrepparttar 118129 annual "Festival of Negative-Savers". As a consolation prize,repparttar 118130 World Trade Organization declared that "red and green will berepparttar 118131 official designated colours of all wrapping paper, ribbons, and note cards accompanying charitable spam and jam food hampers destined forrepparttar 118132 Tooth Fairy,repparttar 118133 Great Pumpkin, andrepparttar 118134 Easter Bunny", (who are usually overlooked at this time of year).

19. Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself?

Of course he does! It’s only celebrity psycholigists who suggest that a jolly, bearded gentleman with a red-nosed reindeer in tow should "get a life". There's an old adage that says, "Behind every wet blanket lies an incontinent universe". So take my advice, get off those high-and-mighty hobbyhorses and ride a reindeer for a day. Better yet, take a break. Try watchingrepparttar 118135 deer andrepparttar 118136 antelope play onrepparttar 118137 back forty..."where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, andrepparttar 118138 skies are not cloudy all day." It's way more rewarding than watching soppy soap operas or a fancy fella dispensing dross to dysfunctional divas, disadvantaged doorknobs, desolate dorks, delusional duffers not to mention one too many detached dingbats.

20. What do parents living in warm climates tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there’s no snow in most places and it’s far too warm to be wearing that red suit.

Santa is a very resourceful, fit and adaptable guy with loads of charisma, not to mention tons of glad tidings and good cheer which is often in short supply aroundrepparttar 118139 Christmas dinnertable. As a matter of fact, he wears a chartreuse thong or a scarlet pair of bikini briefs underneath his red tunic -- just in case he needs to slip into something more comfortable during his visit to Hellhole Palms (California), Boneyard (Arizona) and Weeki Wachee (Florida).

21. How come there isn’t a “Trading Spaces” TV show for Christmas yard decorations?

It’s not enoughrepparttar 118140 world's falling apart because golfers and gadflies don't know how to swing a hammer and nail for Pete's sake! Now you want to bring outrepparttar 118141 really weird folk who think decorating their lawns with something other than gnomes, angels and fairies would be sinful?

22. Are Santa’s Elvesrepparttar 118142 same elves that arerepparttar 118143 Keebler Elves? After making toys, do they moonlight by baking cookies and crackers?

Our delightful, double-duty, efficient elves are far more productive and happier thanrepparttar 118144 ‘one-size-fits-all’ sort of wee folk who work in many sweaty sylph shops aroundrepparttar 118145 globe. Our toy-shop offers a safe and friendly working environment, free milk and cookies during every 15- minute break, an opportunity to create whistle while you work songs, and an all-expense paid three-week vacation in Fannie, Arkansas not to mention a very popular and hugely successful government-subsidized retraining program for trolls.

23. Why doesrepparttar 118146 Christmas season always come whenrepparttar 118147 stores are at their busiest?

Inrepparttar 118148 Land of Cowabunga, cowboys and cash-cow milkers, never ask why brown cows don't fly there. (Trust me, they've never heard of a kahlua coffee liqueur with a dollop of whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles on top, and a Maraschino Cherry).

24. Should we mail our packages early sorepparttar 118149 Post Office can lose them in time for next Christmas?

Ah yes,repparttar 118150 Post Office, everyone’s favorite pastime -- flogging dead horses. Take my advice, stop your faultfinding ways and use your positive energy flow to find a Flying Nun willing to take those parcels off your hands in return for all your Airmile points.

25. On artificial Christmas trees, why do they always makerepparttar 118151 center trunk green? Wouldn’t it be more realistic if it were painted brown?

What do you expect from fake things, perfection? If you’re not doing anything useful besides asking questions that require answers few have time to ponder, come and join our Toy-Shop Team atrepparttar 118152 North Pole. We have no trees, we have no bananas, and we just love elves who can hum along, otherwise this year there'll be no presents underrepparttar 118153 tree (be they fake or real).

Oh and if by chance you should get stuck beside a "Bah Humbug" type at Christmas dinner, remindrepparttar 118154 foul miscreant that miracles do happen. Thankfully, at midnight some turn into whoopee cushions to amuse family or friends. Fortunately, others find redemption, (if only for a day), by ridingrepparttar 118155 winds of change which usually means donning a red jump suit, handing out equal-opportunity goodies to those who've been naughty and nice, and last but not least -- remembering to say, "Ho Ho Ho ...and to all a good night!"

Theolonius McTavish is a ripsnorting reporter of ribaldry and eccentric clairvoyant in the court of The Quipping Queen at


Written by Theolonius McTavish

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6. Employees shall refrain from using paper shredders to make aluminum foil tinsel decorations as this has been found to create an unsightly mess, unnecessary downtime on office equipment, not to mention major power outages preventingrepparttar convening of gift-exchange gatherings.

7. Employees shall refrain from toasting marshmallows on radiators, AC power adaptors, or in blast furnaces during break periods as these puckish practices have been found to encourage unsafe food preparation practices, contribute to poor eating habits and, and cause stomach cancer in brownies and boy scouts.

8. Employees shall refrain from composing popular Yuletide tunes using touch-tone phones, downloading “The Chipmunk Song” asrepparttar 118121 default ring tone on cellular telephones or email audio notification on laptop computers as such lollygagging practices been found to cause unmitigated stress and partial hearing loss in lab rats, floor personnel, and middle managers alike.

9. Santa's Helper togs will be permitted on Casual Fridays provided they comply withrepparttar 118122 "Corporate colors and dress code policy". (Note: No spandex shorts, body stockings or birthday suits will be allowed as these have been shown to contribute to embarrassing little workplace accidents at this time of year).

10. All employees shall refrain from requesting that egg nog be placed in vending machines and shall likewise refrain from uttering anti-social secular greetings or gladless tidings of good cheer such as, "Bah Humbug", "The Grinch will get you!" or "Santa Sucks", all of which have been found to contribute to an unhealthy diet, loss of team spirit, and result in an altogether unproductive and negative-thinking workplace environment.

Last but not least, there’s no need to drop banana peels, candy wrappers or priortized list of presents inrepparttar 118123 Company Suggestion Box – thanks to SCROOGES (our Security Camera Records & Online Gathering Evidence System), Santa knows who's been naughty and nice his year.

HO HO HO AND HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY From Santa's Saucy Sylphs inrepparttar 118124 HR Department!!!

By Theolonius McTavish, a creative corporate memorandum writer and casual notice-board reader in the court of The Quipping Queen,

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