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16. If it’s true that Santa is magical then why does Christmas Eve take so long?
Santa didn’t invent grandfather clocks, glow-in-the-dark watches, or other bleeping gadgets and gizmos. If you want to complain, I suggest you contact old coot in charge, “Father Time”.
17. Where does Santa hide his claws?
Just because he wears a red and white outfit doesn’t make him an “Abominable Person of Snow”. Besides, Santa doesn't need to scratch anyone’s back for a handout.
18. Why are Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?
It all started with a few disgruntled Tarot card readers complaining about not being included in Christmas story. So, United Nations stepped in to stop all whining and snivelling which was getting out of hand, (especially a campaign launched by Society of Plus-Sized People who wanted to replace Santa Claus with Jolly Green Giant as symbol of rampant consumer spending, healthy lifestyle choices, and more free giveaways). Anyway, to make a long story short, a referendum was held and people world over voted in favor of retaining Santa Claus, (dressed in his well-worn red and white suit), as star of annual "Festival of Negative-Savers". As a consolation prize, World Trade Organization declared that "red and green will be official designated colours of all wrapping paper, ribbons, and note cards accompanying charitable spam and jam food hampers destined for Tooth Fairy, Great Pumpkin, and Easter Bunny", (who are usually overlooked at this time of year).
19. Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself?
Of course he does! It’s only celebrity psycholigists who suggest that a jolly, bearded gentleman with a red-nosed reindeer in tow should "get a life". There's an old adage that says, "Behind every wet blanket lies an incontinent universe". So take my advice, get off those high-and-mighty hobbyhorses and ride a reindeer for a day. Better yet, take a break. Try watching deer and antelope play on back forty..."where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, and skies are not cloudy all day." It's way more rewarding than watching soppy soap operas or a fancy fella dispensing dross to dysfunctional divas, disadvantaged doorknobs, desolate dorks, delusional duffers not to mention one too many detached dingbats.
20. What do parents living in warm climates tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there’s no snow in most places and it’s far too warm to be wearing that red suit.
Santa is a very resourceful, fit and adaptable guy with loads of charisma, not to mention tons of glad tidings and good cheer which is often in short supply around Christmas dinnertable. As a matter of fact, he wears a chartreuse thong or a scarlet pair of bikini briefs underneath his red tunic -- just in case he needs to slip into something more comfortable during his visit to Hellhole Palms (California), Boneyard (Arizona) and Weeki Wachee (Florida).
21. How come there isn’t a “Trading Spaces” TV show for Christmas yard decorations?
It’s not enough world's falling apart because golfers and gadflies don't know how to swing a hammer and nail for Pete's sake! Now you want to bring out really weird folk who think decorating their lawns with something other than gnomes, angels and fairies would be sinful?
22. Are Santa’s Elves same elves that are Keebler Elves? After making toys, do they moonlight by baking cookies and crackers?
Our delightful, double-duty, efficient elves are far more productive and happier than ‘one-size-fits-all’ sort of wee folk who work in many sweaty sylph shops around globe. Our toy-shop offers a safe and friendly working environment, free milk and cookies during every 15- minute break, an opportunity to create whistle while you work songs, and an all-expense paid three-week vacation in Fannie, Arkansas not to mention a very popular and hugely successful government-subsidized retraining program for trolls.
23. Why does Christmas season always come when stores are at their busiest?
In Land of Cowabunga, cowboys and cash-cow milkers, never ask why brown cows don't fly there. (Trust me, they've never heard of a kahlua coffee liqueur with a dollop of whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles on top, and a Maraschino Cherry).
24. Should we mail our packages early so Post Office can lose them in time for next Christmas?
Ah yes, Post Office, everyone’s favorite pastime -- flogging dead horses. Take my advice, stop your faultfinding ways and use your positive energy flow to find a Flying Nun willing to take those parcels off your hands in return for all your Airmile points.
25. On artificial Christmas trees, why do they always make center trunk green? Wouldn’t it be more realistic if it were painted brown?
What do you expect from fake things, perfection? If you’re not doing anything useful besides asking questions that require answers few have time to ponder, come and join our Toy-Shop Team at North Pole. We have no trees, we have no bananas, and we just love elves who can hum along, otherwise this year there'll be no presents under tree (be they fake or real).
Oh and if by chance you should get stuck beside a "Bah Humbug" type at Christmas dinner, remind foul miscreant that miracles do happen. Thankfully, at midnight some turn into whoopee cushions to amuse family or friends. Fortunately, others find redemption, (if only for a day), by riding winds of change which usually means donning a red jump suit, handing out equal-opportunity goodies to those who've been naughty and nice, and last but not least -- remembering to say, "Ho Ho Ho ...and to all a good night!"
Theolonius McTavish is a ripsnorting reporter of ribaldry and eccentric clairvoyant in the court of The Quipping Queen at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com