"It was recently revealed that underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau shot some of his 'ocean footage' in a bathtub. This is particularly shocking because... who knew there was a bathtub in France?" - Conan O'Brien

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure.

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, Prime Minister of Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at same time, though...especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in UK, local plumber in France)

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto playing field.

There are a few kisses we recommend you avoid. These are often referred to as "extreme kissing". Don't kiss an on-duty sumo wrestler; it is considered dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don't kiss any electrical outlets. Don't kiss vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don't kiss your office manager while on duty...unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.