Responding to Criticism Without Being DefensiveWritten by Sharon Ellison
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Instead, if we listen to feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not, then we don't have to retaliate immediately and intensify conflict. Later, during same conversation, or perhaps even at another time, we can ask other person (if we are sincerely curious and not point-proving) "Do you think your sarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted?" Or, "Do you think you ever (for example) have double standards-or do you think you don't?" We can bring up related issues, if we create a transition period and deal first with one our partner brought up. To remain non-defensive, we must separate how we take accountability ourselves from whether or not other person chooses to do so at any given moment. When we need to prove our partner is as "bad as we are" or worse, we are neck-deep in muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address issue other person has brought up trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing so can give both partners a "hearing aid." Professionals: Drop The Game of Passing Blame and Enhance Others' Respect In professional relationships how we get our own work done is often dependent on how well other people do their jobs. So, frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to "pass buck" and justify why we had difficulty with our part based on how others contributed to that difficulty. Instead of starting out by shifting blame or making excuses, even if we think problem was caused by a co-worker, we can ask questions, such as, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or, "Were you aware that I had to get materials from Jane before I could finish project?" Or, "If she doesn't have her part of project to me on time, how would you suggest I deal with it?" If feedback is about your own performance and not related to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can just start by asking for more information. You can ask for additional details about how supervisor or co-worker sees your attitude and behavior. Then, if there are points where you disagree, you can still use questions, such as, "If you think I shouldn't have criticized quality of George's work on project, are you saying I should just accept however he does it?" Or, "Are you saying I should just accept how he did it, or do you think it was how I said it?" Or, "Do you think there is any way I can let him know when I think quality needs improvement?" At some point you may wish to disagree with part or all of what person is saying. However, if your initial response to criticism is to gather more information, I think you will gain professional respect. Also, if other person is off-base, your questions may prompt her or him to re-think criticism. Building Wisdom and Gaining Respect For most of us, responding to criticism without defending our selves has meant being "defenseless," caving in, losing face, feeling bad about ourselves. On other hand, responding defensively has meant being harsh, closed, shutting others out. This is a no-win choice. We look bad and undermine our own self esteem either way. If we can learn to respond to criticism with true non-defensive openness and clarity, asking questions, stating our position, and setting limits when needed, we can build our own wisdom and garner respect of both children and adults in our lives. This article is based on Taking War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant. Please visit http://www.pndc.com
| | I’m Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?Written by Sharon Ellison
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Insecure about our relationship lately?” · Translation: If you are upset about my not calling, real cause is your own insecurity, not anything I did. Two: Only say “I’m sorry,” when you mean it and can specify exactly what you are apologizing for When we give what I believe is a “healthy” or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that was disrespectful or inconsiderate without: · immediately explaining why we did it, · telling person that however it looked or sounded, it wasn’t our real intention, or, · bringing up some other issue that suggests that other person contributed to or caused problem. For example, instead of focusing on why she didn’t buy Trang-Lei’s lunch—her excuse, Martha could have taken full responsibility, saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even that would have been a small thank you for how much you helped me. And you spent your only day off doing it.” Here, Martha uses her apology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadness that she didn’t do so earlier. · Three: Decline to accept an apology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology, and then walk away knowing it wasn’t real, you enter a world of make-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved while harboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you can decline a hollow apology. For example: · If you believe that I simply misunderstood you, then I would rather not have an apology from you. · Only if you believe you did something hurtful would I want one. When you refuse to accept an insincere apology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated or pacified and you hold other person more accountable—without having to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely to feel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character and Respect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, we can become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, and strengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be a strong model for others, including our children, teaching them that real apologies show strength of character, gain respect of others, and have great healing power. This article is based on book Taking War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.
Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant. Please visit http://www.pndc.com
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