Dating

"sure you can date; in fact I’ll be waiting for him in front yard while I sharpen my machete" "yes, he has to come to door and pick you up… how else will I get change to interrogate him?" "if he wants to date you, he has to get through me first!!" - referring to a date who blows car horn for you "now just wait a minute, you’re movin’ so fast you look like one of Pavlovs dogs runnin’ for bell" "well that is rude. How rude? I’ll tell you how rude" "well he can just stay out there and blow his horn, and maybe he’ll get some cows to come home" "don’t stay out later than when cows come home"

Slow, Fast

"high-tailing it" - running fast "fast as a rabbit" "like green corn through new maid"

Stop Yer complainin’

"well it’s better than a kick in arse with a frozen boot!" "well, it’s better than a poke in eye with a blunt stick!" "want in one hand, spit in other, and see which one gets full first." - reply to someone that wants something "it’s better than a sharp stick in eye"

Poor, Rich, Money

"don't have a pot to p___ in or a window to throw it out of" "poor as a church mouse" "he may be good looking but good looking won't put food on table" "you've got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook" - expensive taste "don't have one penny to rub against another one" "tighter than bark on a tree" - not generous "don't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out" - poor "he's got enough money to burn a wet mule" "filthy rich" "dirt poor"

Dishonest

"he's so dishonest he'd rather p--s in wind than tell truth" "he knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers"

Eat, Drinking and Cooking

"wetting your whistle" - getting a drink "gooder 'an candy and better 'an snuff" - grandma's cookin' "he eats like a pin in a swaller" "stump water" - weak coffee "don't swallow watermelon seeds or you'll wake up one morning with vines growing out of your ears" "tad, smidgen, dab" - Granny’s cooking measurements "tough as shoe leather" "grub's on"

How You Doing?

"oh, I'm circlin' drain" "fair to midlin" - I am told that this has to do with grading cotton "if I had a tail, it'd be waggin'" "well, better 'n gettin' poked in eye, I suppose"

Tell Someone to Get Lost

"take a long walk off a short pier" "away and boil your head" - telling someone to get lost

Yes, No, Maybe, Never......

"I might could do that" - maybe "when pigs fly" - never "If good Lord willin' and crick don't rise" - when asked about likelihood of just about anything happening "does a bear s**t in woods"

Loud

"You kids are noisier than a fox in henhouse" "You're so loud you could wake dead" "Speak up, I think that mountain goat in Tibet did'n hear you!"

Cussing

"son of a gosh darned sassaffras root!" - cussing around children

Quote: “The government deficit is difference between amount of money government spends and amount it has nerve to collect."

Why is it that when IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake, but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?

Quote: "The wages of sin are death, but by time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth? A: Have them fill out a tax return.

Quote: “Even when you make a tax form out on level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.”

Q: Why is a tax audit like a tornado? A: There's a lot of screaming and you end up losing your house.

Quote: “When are we going to be allowed to list government as a dependent?”

People often say death and taxes are same, but this is wrong. Death is a taxable event, but taxes never die.