Written by Robert Levin

Continued from page 1

You’re thinking that I had only myself to blame, that not to stop and ask for directions is typical of a man. Well, I swear, I was just about to when I heard, inrepparttar distance, what sounded likerepparttar 118181 swift currents of a babbling brook. Groping my way towardrepparttar 118182 sound it increased in volume until it was a deafening roar and I knew I was directly above its source. Reasonably confident that I’d located Peggie’s stomach, I paused to collect myself and survey my surroundings. Inrepparttar 118183 absence of a compass I was looking for some sort of marker with which to establish my coordinates. When I noticed thatrepparttar 118184 horizon ahead of me was blocked by an especially pronounced elevation inrepparttar 118185 terrain, I reasoned that I was likely facing north. With a cautious optimism I began, then, to crawl slowly backwards. You can imaginerepparttar 118186 rush I got when before too long my toes were caressed by a soft and lush foliage, and then bathed inrepparttar 118187 gentle bubbling of a warm spring.

I was at last atrepparttar 118188 pleasure grove.

Feeling like a world-beater, I was glowing with a sense of accomplishment and I have to confess that I indulged myself in a moment of pride. Relying on my instincts and wit, persevering inrepparttar 118189 face of exceptional difficulties, I had achieved an elusive goal other men would certainly have given up on. The moment was short-lived however. After effecting penetration my mettle was tested some more. Twice I was jettisoned (and put in jeopardy of becoming a ceiling fixture) byrepparttar 118190 astonishing power of Peggie’s pelvic motion. It was really disappointing. Each time I was forced to go back to square one and I had to reach deep inside myself for a stick-to-itiveness that I wasn’t at all sure I possessed. But I hung tough and on my third expedition, with my eyes now accustomed torepparttar 118191 dark, I was recognizing landmarks and proceeding with dispatch. Atrepparttar 118192 treasure chest within minutes, I managed, this time, to more or less stay put and, let me tell you, like clinging torepparttar 118193 back of a great whale in a high sea, those final seconds were every bit as exhilarating asrepparttar 118194 Splash Mountain ride at Disney World.

Inrepparttar 118195 morning, Peggie, cheery and humming to herself (doubtless never beforerepparttar 118196 object of such committed attention), seemed unaware of my odyssey. After eating a cake, and washing it down with a quart of chocolate milk, she asked me if she could take a time-delay Polaroid ofrepparttar 118197 two of us naked in bed. (Should you ever come across this picture, I am in it. That’srepparttar 118198 top of my head, not a puppy, just behind her left ankle.) Then she announced that she was cutting her trip short and returning home. There was no reason, she said, to remain in New York now, because no big-city experience that she might imagine could possibly surpass her night with me.

Having completed my mission and worried she’d suggest that we get together again, I was enormously relieved by and immediately supportive of her decision.

As I departed though, I did sense from her expression that she was maybe a little ambivalent about changing her plans; that she was thinking of something she might later regret missing. Not wishing to prolongrepparttar 118199 moment I chose not to ask any questions, so I’ll never know just whatrepparttar 118200 thing was. Yes, it could have beenrepparttar 118201 Transit Museum orrepparttar 118202 Edgar Allan Poe Cottage. But I suspect that more likely on her mind was forgoingrepparttar 118203 chance to discover a new food group.

Former contributor to The Village Voice and Rolling Stone. Coauthor and coeditor, respectively, of two collections of essays about jazz and rock in the '60s: "Music & Politics" and "Giants of Black Music."


Written by Victoria Elizabeth

Continued from page 1

Byrepparttar way, feel free to add to my list if you want. After all, it's not like there's someone out there with a franchise onrepparttar 118180 truth who's going to tell you, you're wrong. Trust me on this one! Just toss your togs and your thinking cap along with your blessed beliefs. Now listen up... joinrepparttar 118181 other tots inrepparttar 118182 sandbox...wiggle your toes ... and let go your nightmares for pete's sake!

** Waterclosets, Loos and Tinkle-Pantries. (Since there's no H2O here to make them work, there's not a lot of demand for them. The bad news is visitors will have to wear bloopy space suits equipped with compact wonder-waste baggies around their navels. So, suck it up all you Trekkies! Oh, and byrepparttar 118183 way, who said Mars was a five-star destination resort anyway?)

** Spinach, beans, and green garbage bags. (That means you won't find Popeye,repparttar 118184 Jolly Green Giant orrepparttar 118185 Man from Glad. Now isn't that a relief!)

** Wal-Mart, Home-Depot, andrepparttar 118186 Golden Arches. (They're still scrapping over who gets to play "King ofrepparttar 118187 Castle" back on Earth and besides, they really don't give a sweet tweet about a vertically-challenged dude named "Red Dwarf" or a bunch of red rocks for that matter.)

**Trees. (Okay, so there's no low-hanging fruit let alone a place for money to grow on. Not good news for award-winning fruitcake-makers or whackers ofrepparttar 118188 world who want to chop things down and make stuff like toothpicks, chopsticks and ready-to-assemble doll-house furniture.)

**Monarchs, Misfits and Mystics. (Without throne rooms, monarchs won't have a place to sit upon; no bars or slot machines means that hustlers and lounge lizards won't have a place to meet and greet; and inrepparttar 118189 absence of live bait, mystics won't be able to win friends and influence lost souls. Sometimes life just sucks, especially if one lives on Mars!)

**Perfectly Normal Beasts. (Large, spotted, charging sort of succulent, sweet-flavored, tender hoofed animals that are safe to skewer over a barbecue; a cross between a cow, a bull and a kind of buffalo -- only hairless, you knowrepparttar 118190 ones that gallump and grovel about onrepparttar 118191 back nine inrepparttar 118192 springtime and then disappear intorepparttar 118193 sunset inrepparttar 118194 fall. Don't ask me why they do that, they just do.)

** Women from Venus. (Without any men on Mars, there’s not a hope in hell that any women from Venus would be dumb enough to waste a trip to a pathetic planet full of red rocks ruled by a duffus named “Red Dwarf”.)


For further information onrepparttar 118195 elusive "Red Dwarf" please check out:

For all manner of important, significant and really vital stuff you should know, please refer torepparttar 118196 "Unconventional Guide to Life,repparttar 118197 Universe & Everything" at

Victoria Elizabeth, “Quipping Queen & Empress of Everything” lives in Victoria, B.C. Canada. Besides issuing potty proclamations from her virtual throne room at, HRH adores receiving greetings at: When not busy with royal duties, she earns her bread and peanut butter as a “business development consultant” (whatever that means).

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