Increased or decreased libido

A Patek Philipe watch will increase your libido, and a bad hair day will decrease it. So what? You’ve faked it before, you still can. Incontinence

Try not to laugh too boisterously. Instead, adopt an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile, it will afford an aura of mystery, and keep your panties dry.

Increased flatulence

If you make a little mistake, simply look around for offending individual. Please, of course it's not you.

Depression

For God’s sake, we’re waiting for an onslaught of anthrax, smallpox, and creeping crud. Who isn’t depressed?

So, take heart, you’ll make it through. Have fun with it.

Play “connect dots” with your age spots. If they form an exact replica of Abraham Lincoln, you may be able to get on The Letterman Show.

Pause o'Menses by D. Gustafson. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. For more of really swell aspects of aging, visit Mama’s Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com

D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.

It almost appears that adult penis is equivalent of a Barbie doll. They get to bathe it, dress it up, and play with it.

Not only is maintenance a problem, but judging from snippets of overhead male conversation, bad penile behavior certainly must run rampant. Truly, their conduct must be appalling. These poor, put upon, men are constantly involved in distasteful, but necessary task of rebuking wayward organ, by “spanking monkey” or “choking chicken”.

And accountability? Nope, none at all. These tiny, dangerous organs take no responsibility for their actions. They’re able to rise from their little nest, and somehow, with only one good eye, are able to hypnotize their owners, all while, ferreting out their target. What they do, and how they do it is of no concern. They’re not particularly picky about their targets either, often adopting an “any port in storm” type of mentality. Sometimes they’ll even go off, half cocked, leaving their poor owners dazed and senseless.

We, as women, really should give men a bit more respect. Spending a lifetime as a penis wrangler deserves some sort of credit.

In case you’re wondering how I feel about my body parts - I have a vagina. I’m glad I have a vagina. It just sits there and patiently waits for its call to action.

And by way, you’re not going to catch me calling anything “Large Marge”.

Copyright 2003. All rights reserved. For more really swell aspects of life, visit Mama's Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com

D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.