Marcy and I developed a plan: she would get Andrea an alarm clock and let her know that she had to get herself up - and that if she didn’t she was responsible for consequences if she missed school. Marcy would also ask her children to take responsibility for fixing their own breakfast and lunch. She would also expect them to help clean up in evenings, and would make it clear that if they didn’t help her, she would not be so available to drive them around all time. In addition, she would set aside some time just for her each weekend to work on her own creative projects. This was a hard one for her. Marcy believed that taking care of herself was selfish - that being loving meant putting herself aside for her family. She really wanted to be a good mom - but she was not being a good mom to herself.

We talked about definition of "selfish." I told her that I believed that Andrea was being selfish when she expected Marcy to give herself up for Andrea, and that Marcy was fostering this selfishness in her children by not taking care of herself.

"Marcy, are you being a good mom if you are so unhappy all time? Don’t your kids need to see you being a role-model for personal responsibility - which includes taking good care of yourself? How are they going to learn to make themselves happy if they never see you making yourself happy? You are teaching them that they need to take care of others well-being and that others need to take care of their well-being, which is definition of a codependent relationship. Don’t you want them to know how to take care of themselves - how to take responsibility for their own well-being? Taking care of yourself is not selfish - it’s self-responsible! You’re not being a good parent if you just take care of your children but don’t take care of yourself."

Marcy got it and immediately went about making changes. She was like a new woman when I spoke with her next week, with much more power in her voice. She was beginning to see that problem was not so much not being cared about by her family, but not caring about herself. She could begin to see that how her family treated her was a mirror for how she was treating herself.

I breathed a sigh of relief - Marcy was getting her life back!

Let's add something more. Every day, let someone else be right. No, really. Even if you know they are wrong, let them have last word. You can fume if you want to, but it's bad form.

Take heart in knowing that you still know better (if that is indeed case) and also in recognizing that your generosity in allowing someone else to be right will ultimately come back to you in some way. Okay, only if you believe in that, but I do.

Every day. One person. That's it. That's not so hard, is it?

Pause. Look for interesting points. Refrain for knee-jerk cynicism. Allow someone else to be right.

Try if for a few days. But I've got to warn you--it could be habit forming.

You just might find yourself becoming excellent.