POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA

Written by Victoria Elizabeth


Continued from page 1

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as forrepparttar gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just forrepparttar 118115 boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad forrepparttar 118116 tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raisedrepparttar 118117 hackles of those psychological Who claimedrepparttar 118118 only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passť; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp torepparttar 118119 ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angeringrepparttar 118120 left orrepparttar 118121 right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

(Anonymous)

Victoria Elizabeth is a mild-mannered maven with a penchant for observing pithy, peculiar or plainly laughable things while encountering Life, the Universe, and Everything in between from her pleasure palace at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com


3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices

Written by Timothy Ward


Continued from page 1

(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling likerepparttar county landfill.

(b) Haverepparttar 118114 worst behaved child in your family sitting inrepparttar 118115 front seat at all times. Feedrepparttar 118116 child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.

(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.

(d) Only play reggae music onrepparttar 118117 radio. Loud!

You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.

3. Riderepparttar 118118 Bus/Subway

Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:

1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.

2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.

3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation withrepparttar 118119 person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.

4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off atrepparttar 118120 right stop. Getting off atrepparttar 118121 wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.

5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.

Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting aboutrepparttar 118122 mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content becauserepparttar 118123 issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not onrepparttar 118124 bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...

Timothy Ward invites you to subscribe to his weekly humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal' at timward.1afm.com


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