We all know human race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I don't suppose animal kingdom took us very seriously before we equipped ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of more vulnerable and touchy families got together one day and decided to head out for colder climes, where it would be possible to dress up and hide their bony knees without feeling they were being stared at.

I read somewhere that whole population of northern Europeans could be traced back to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand this right it means that around five families were responsible for diversity of virtually whole of Western culture from Boadicea (Boudicca to Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand scale. So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my theory about our neurotic ancestors could account for a lot of things, couldn't it?

What do you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people laughed at Darwin when he brought out his theory, and they would certainly have done same to Einstein if they'd understood what he was talking about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some light on seemingly irrational activities like war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht racing.

A large claim, you may say, but consider; those pioneer Europeans who came trudging all way from plains of Africa (I seem to recall reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they came from India, but I'll think about that tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many Pilgrim Fathers searching for a new horizon, went to an awful lot of trouble just to soothe their wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember? They were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all fits).

Now, does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. It's M.O. of just about every politician you ever heard of. One imagined slight and you have shoes banged on conference tables, and sanctions applied at very least, and at worst - well, you know what I'm saying. And there you have it. These are same guys who led us out of swampy old Africa in year dot - give or take a couple of millennia.

Neat theory,eh? Better than string theory. I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before? It's a pity though, that it doesn't seem to have any practical application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our leaders and put them back in African veldt. Could you?

As for our friend intrepid Marine, who trekked all way up north in his birthday suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try Africa next.

James Collins http://www.pet-portraits-scotland.com email: collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk

He has plenty of legendary energy and intelligence of finest sheepdog in world. I usually take a tennis racquet and ball on our walks in woods to try, in my optimistic way, to tire him out. We live in a hilly, and fairly wild part of Highlands, and I only have to say to him, "Patch, that way", or even just point, and he'll be there, waiting for ball, whether it's up brae or across a burn. And yet, for all his intelligence and boldness, he is sensitive and easily frightened. At first hint of a raised or angry voice (it wouldn't be mine, you understand), he goes to pieces and hides... Yes, our boy is difficult at times, but always fascinating, and I don't have to tell you that we love him to bits.

He was a gash and faithful tyke As ever lap a sheugh or dyke; His honest, sonsie, baws'nt face Aye gat him friends in ilka place.

His breast was white, his towsie back Weel clad wi' coat o' glossy black, His gaucie tail wi' upward curl Hung o'er his hurdies wi' a swirl. The Twa Dogs Robert Burns Gash = wise sheugh = ditch sonsie = cute bawsn't = striped like a badger towsie = shaggy gaucie = large hurdies = hips Six months ago my Patch died, and I have to learn to get along without him. I now have a Border Collie pup crossed with Something Else. He has none of nervousness of Patch. He is a friend to all world. And yet...and yet...If he doesn't want to do something... We do not forget, but we move on.

James Collins www.pet-portraits-scotland.com