Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns

Written by Rev. James L. Snyder

Continued from page 1

Nurses have two kinds of needles. One, they haverepparttar nice sharp pointy needles that piercerepparttar 118075 epidermis withrepparttar 118076 greatest of ease causingrepparttar 118077 least amount of discomfort.

The second type is reserved for those certain patients, and you know who you are, that cross them. I'm referring torepparttar 118078 square point needles that gougerepparttar 118079 flesh. I'm proud to say I experiencedrepparttar 118080 former.

The second has to do with hospital bedpans. What deranged person masterminded this dysfunctional appliance? Some research must be funded byrepparttar 118081 government to track this person or persons down and have them executed.

Normally I'm not a violent man. My philosophy is "live and let live." However, hospital bedpans are not normal and are deliberately designed to malfunction every time. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. If not executed, then they should be confined to a hospital bed forrepparttar 118082 rest of their life and I have justrepparttar 118083 bedpan for them.

The third thing I discovered inrepparttar 118084 hospital has to do with those x-rated hospital gowns. They come in one-size-fits-all. That's all right if you happen to be 3'6."

Unless a person is dyslexic, it takes no rocket scientist to see I am a bit larger than 3'6." I just happen to be 6'3" and have never been mistaken for a midget. I have no idea what these so-called gowns were designed for but it was not for modesty.

In fact, there is some evidence that patients inrepparttar 118085 psychiatric ward ofrepparttar 118086 hospital designedrepparttar 118087 hospital gown as a group therapy project. It has absolutely no practical - or impractical for that matter - purpose in this life. The hospital gown could be classified asrepparttar 118088 cross-purpose-driven garment.

Several days have passed since leaving my hospital oasis, giving me some time for reflection. The hardest thing for a person like me is to wait. I have my agenda and I darerepparttar 118089 person to stand in my way.

God, however, has devised marvelous ways of incorporating into our daily regime opportunities to practice this illusive virtue.

A passage fromrepparttar 118090 Psalms keeps running throughrepparttar 118091 back of my mind. "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory:repparttar 118092 rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah." (Psalms 62:5-8 KJV.)

Nurses, bedpans and X-rated hospital gowns are notrepparttar 118093 real issues of a hospital stay. Trusting God in adversity isrepparttar 118094 most important.

James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living in Ocala, FL with his wife.


Written by Sherlock Tidpit

Continued from page 1

And last but not least, fire-fighters, police and emergency response personnel (traditionallyrepparttar subject of made-for-TV dramas), are staging sit-downs in order to give their feet a rest and to protestrepparttar 118074 influx of reality-TV shows starring foolhardy folk who are undermining their job opportunities for walk-on parts, consulting roles, or professional posing gigs as hunks for charity balls and fundraising calendars.

The only bright light onrepparttar 118075 horizon is a dramatic boost in holiday bookings to "Fool's Paradise", (a boon torepparttar 118076 flagging hospitality, travel and airline transportation industries), and a firstly quarterly earnings report issued byrepparttar 118077 U.S. Mattress Manufacturing Industry Trade Group indicating brisk sales in coiled bedding but a plummeting demand for waterbeds since January 2005.

With such a grave situation at hand,repparttar 118078 United Nations,repparttar 118079 World Bank, andrepparttar 118080 European Union, not to mentionrepparttar 118081 White House and 10 Downing Street have announced that “the following List of Famous Last Words shall be banished forthwith, immediately, and “toute de suite” from all public speech and discourse”.

These drastic measures are being taken inrepparttar 118082 hope of restoring peace on earth and goodwill toward men (not to mention a very long list of other affirmative action members of society, who forrepparttar 118083 needs of brevity shall remain forever nameless, at least in this agonizingly arduous article on much ado about nothing of vital importance or cataclysmic proportions inrepparttar 118084 hitherto inexplicable grand scheme of things…unless of course one has successfully completed "Introduction to Philosopy 101", "Elementary Quantum Physics 102", or "Zen for Men 999".)

And, for those who have been waiting, (with baited breath naturally), forrepparttar 118085 “Top 10 Banned Famous Last Words List”, here they are:

-- That’s cool - some of my best friends have useless appendages like that.

-- That would be mine thank you.

-- What duck! ...I'mrepparttar 118086 bleeding Fickle Finger of Fate for pete's sake!

-- Now I ask you, what wouldrepparttar 118087 Truth Turtle do in this situation?

-- Oh don’t be so superstitious!

-- These arerepparttar 118088 good kind of mushrooms, (Martha told me so).

-- Look, if “The-Great-Sees-All-Knows-All-Spirit-of-Everything” doesn’t need them, neither should you!

-- Okay, so who let you intorepparttar 118089 gene pool?

-- I can do this with my eyes closed ... but what does this little button do?

-- The odds of that happening are a million to one!

* * *

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus room monitor and even more impressive, he is a rule-of-thumbing runagate with a very skewed assessment of reality which makes him a valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen at

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