MEETING OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY NEEDS Meeting other people's safety needs is often a tricky proposition. In our intimate relationships, it's appropriate for us to explore emotional connections with our partners. We can look for ways to nurture and protect our partners, and expect our partners to nurture and protect us. It's rarely appropriate to do this in professional or casual relationships, however. Unless we share an intimate personal connection with someone, it's difficult to meet his or her safety needs directly. The most we can do is to avoid making them feel unsafe. We do this by respecting their boundaries.

Other people's boundaries are not always easy to recognize, however. Sometimes only way we can recognize a boundary is by inadvertently crossing it and making our partner feel unsafe. Often, our partners didn't even realize that they had this particular boundary until we crossed it. Once we've become aware of boundary, however, we can own it. We can step back, and take responsibility for crossing boundary. And we can choose to respect that boundary from this point on. We are now both aware of this particular boundary, but more importantly, we are both aware that boundary will be respected. The boundary is now stronger, and our partner is now able to feel more safe. So how can you tell if you've crossed a boundary that not even your partner knew existed in first place? Body language is best indication that you may have stepped over a line and made someone feel unsafe. When we feel unsafe, we adjust our bodies to protect ourselves. We may:

--Cross our arms in front of our chests. --Lean forward and drop our heads (breaking eye contact). --Round our shoulders (expressing desire to curl up into a ball to protect ourselves). --Clench our teeth and tighten our jaw. --Stop responding to our partner and disengage from conversation. --Change our tone of voice and become more defensive. --Raise our voices. --Speak more emphatically.

If you notice any of these behaviors in your partner, you have crossed a line and made your partner feel unsafe. And if you notice any of these behaviors in yourself, then you're feeling unsafe because your partner has crossed one of your boundaries.

In any event, whether you're feeling unsafe or you've made your partner feel unsafe, what you need to create is some space to defuse threat.

--If it's possible and appropriate to move away from your partner by taking a step back, or moving your chair. --Change your body position so that you're leaning away from your partner. --Take a few deep breaths, and return your awareness to present moment. --Check your voice and body language. (The louder and more rapidly we speak, more aggressive we appear.) --Slow down, and shift your body into a neutral and receptive posture. --Uncross your arms and leave front of your body open and unprotected. (This makes you vulnerable and demonstrates that you are not a threat.)

If you've made someone feel unsafe through your choice of words or subject matter, it's important that you not pursue that particular subject. If appropriate, you can acknowledge that you may have inadvertently become too personal, and apologize. Remember, when we recognize and take responsibility for crossing a boundary, we make our partners feel safe.